"Firefox:" The Wrong Stuff

Title: Firefox
Released: 1982
Genre: Spy "thriller"
Notable for: Special effects
Coolest thing Clint does: Kills a KGB agent in a men's room

We have now reached the point in Clint's career where it is no longer safe to expect each movie to bring the manly joy of grunting, squinting and cold-blooded volleys of gunfire.

He's begun to "spread his wings" and "test his boundaries" and otherwise reject his own stereotype.

Sometimes we don't care to watch.

"Firefox" nearly put us to sleep, even though everything about the movie sounds like it should be good.

"Hey! Let's put Clint in a tense spy story!" some cigar-smoking producer probably said. "The audience will eat it up like Nathan's hot dogs on a Coney Island Fourth of July!"

"Killer stuff," some coke-snorting screenwriter probably said. "But let's go one better by making it a spy story full of amazing special effects. This is 1982, man. You're dead without special effects."

Good as it all sounds, the end result is mostly boring. The essence of Clint is missing, and he is not funny or quirky to compensate for the loss.
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Clint plays a hotshot pilot traumatized by his experiences in Vietnam. He is so mentally fragile he occasionally melts into a quivering pile of wimp.

Despite his mental instability and complete lack of spy training, Clint is selected for dangerous and daring mission inside the Soviet Union. He must break into a top-secret Soviet research facility and steal a highly advanced jet fighter.

The plane, called Firefox, is so sophisticated it runs off a pilot's thought waves. "If the Soviets can mass-produce it, it will change the structure of the world," Clint is told. So you know that's important.

Why pick a basket case like Clint for the job? Two reasons. One, he is such a great pilot everyone he assumes he can fly a plane that works on thought waves. Two, he speaks fluent Russian. Da!

For most of the movie, Clint is undercover sneaking into and around the Soviet Union. The commies are always close to catching him, and Clint leaves a trail of dead helpers in the underground resistance. We think the script also contained some sort of message about the courage of Jews, but we were too uninterested to grasp it.

Once Clint steals the plane amid a fiery diversion, "Firefox" turns to extended scenes of aerial combat.

The movie was made about halfway between "Star Wars" and "Top Gun," and the special effects show it. The problem with wowing audiences with the best special effects of 1982 is what happens by 2010. We are no longer impressed. The console of the high-tech jet fighter looks like a video game before graphics cards were invented.

Reliance on special effects is not the only thing "Firefox" borrows from "Star Wars." In one scene, Clint struggles with the thought-controlled plane until his mind replays the words he was taught in training, "You must think in Russian." It sounded suspiciously like, "Use the force, Luke."


Suffice to say, we were glad when the movie ended with Clint flying home in his stolen Soviet fighter.

Did we learn anything from this experience? Yes. We learned even Clint Eastwood can screw up agreeing with guys who smoke cigars and snort coke.

Next up: "Honkytonk Man."

"Any Which Way You Can:' Go ahead, Clint, make some money

Title: Any Which Way You Can
Released: 1980
Genre: Cash-in sequel
Notable for: Clint's final role with an ape
Coolest thing Clint does: Keeps fighting with a broken arm

Clint never lacked interest in money. He created his own production company before such things were common for actors. By Hollywood's insane standards, he became renowned as a tightwad filmmaker. And, as the five Dirty Harry films demonstrate, Clint has no fear of milking a cash cow.

"Any Which Way You Can" is a cow that screams, "Moo, baby!" This sequel to "Any Which Way But Loose" is the same movie, only more so.

Anyone who disliked the 1978 original, a surprise hit that made more money than any other Eastwood movie to that point, will not like the sequel. There is not a shred of what cinema scholars might call "growth," or "thematic exploration," or "humor that is not gross and childish." What the film lacks in class, it makes up for in a wealth of jokes about ape shit on front seats of police cars.

For the millions who liked the original, "Any Which Way You Can" is even better. Newcomers to the experience of watching Clint cavort with an orangutan are advised to start with the sequel.

"Any Which Way You Can" follows the precise formula and has all the same characters as the first film, but some weaknesses are cleaned up.

Clint once again plays a good-natured bare-knuckle brawler who travels with an ape. Again they frequently encounter country music superstars (and, inexplicably, Fats Domino) performing in cheap honkytonk bars. Again Ruth Gordon is the lovably salty old lady. Again Sondra Locke is allowed to sing country music (click here if you must witness the horror). Again Clint's buddy Orville comes along for the ride. And again Clint is pursued by the world's goofiest gang of neo-Nazi bikers.

But this time the story is better for three reasons.

One: Locke's character comes crawling back to Clint and is kept in her place. To the extent the first movie revolved around anything, it revolved around Clint's senseless attraction to the total bitch played by Locke. In the second movie, the love story is mostly abandoned. Locke is more like a piece of scenery eager to screw.

Two: "Every Which Way But Loose" was mostly a collection of gags, and the better and more memorable gags are in the sequel. This movie, not the original, is where Clyde deposits the aforementioned ape shit in police cars and where he punches people outside the truck window. This is where Ruth Gordon goes all moony after getting laid. This is where she also drives to Bakersfield in a tow truck as sparks fly from a disintegrating car hooked on back. This is where Clint, copying Clyde, swings from a light fixture to put Locke in the mood for boinking.

Three: Unlike the original movie, "Any Which Way You Can" has an actual plot that builds to a climax. Even a stupid plot is better than none at all. Mobsters arrange for Clint to fight a dude so fearsome he literally killed his last opponent and crippled the one before that. Clint's friends convince him to cancel the fight, which causes the irate mobsters to seek revenge. They kidnap Locke and Clint agrees to fight after all. A wacky collection of high-rollers from around the country gathers for the fight. Along the way, Clint makes friends with his opponent and, finally, buddies up with the goofy Nazi bikers.

Clint received no Oscar nominations and no boost to his reputation as a serious filmmaker. But that's OK.

We refuse to criticize an artist who chooses to cash in when the opportunity to make money arises. Especially when the cash-in project is better than the original.

Next up: "Firefox."

"Bronco Billy:" Adventures of a kinder and gentler and slightly deranged Clint

Title: Bronco Billy
Released: 1980
Genre: Pretend cowboys on the road
Notable for: Putting the beat in offbeat
Coolest thing Clint does: Throws knives at Sondra Locke

Neither of us ever watched "Bronco Billy" and we never wanted to watch it. We feared Clint disgraced himself a little with this movie.

Low expectations are well earned. Here is the entire Netflix description: "A ragtag troupe of misfits led by Bronco Billy (Clint Eastwood) perform their hearts out as members of a fly-by-night Wild West show. Billy inspires his entertainers, including Doc Lynch (Scatman Crothers) and Lefty LeBow (Bill McKinney), as they wow crowds with lassos, knife throwing and sharpshooting. Then stranded heiress Antoinette Lilly (Sondra Locke) becomes Billy's assistant, and soon the two are squabbling, scuffling and falling in love."

It sounds bad enough to make a grown man puke.

So we loaded down with Mexican food-like material from Taco Bell and resolved to endure the movie as an inescapable part of the sacred experience that is The Clint Eastwood Project.

Perhaps it does not say much, but "Bronco Billy" is better than we — or anyone with testicles — had a right to expect.


No doubt, this movie is way offbeat for Clint. It must have been hugely disappointing to anyone who entered a theater expecting another silent-tough-guy western. Clint is good with guns, and thwarts a bank robbery, and he handles himself well in a bar fight. But the story is no western and Clint is no tough guy.

For a while, we were puzzled by Clint's character and his "ragtag troupe." First we thought they might be con men, but that was wrong. Then we suspected they were semi-retarded. This was wrong, too. Or at least mostly wrong.

As the story evolves, viewers realize Clint seems weird because he is sincerely but oddly good-hearted and idealistic. He calls people "Pard" and "buckaroo" and tells children to finish their oatmeal. Induced to say grace at an orphanage where his troupe is putting on a free show, Clint asks God to help the orphan cowboys and cowgirls "so they don't get tangled up with hard liquor and cigarettes."

"Clint is mildly deranged," Andrew correctly concluded.

Deep into the movie, it is revealed that Clint and most of his troupe are ex-cons who dream of a better life in the world of cowboy movies from their childhood.

We won't bother to explain the side story of Clint's romance with the bony Sondra Locke because it is predictably disappointing.

Our biggest surprise in "Bronco Billy" is we actually grew fond of the characters. By his standards, Clint's character has an extravagant dose of backstory. We learn he grew up in New Jersey and was a shoe salesman until he shot his cheating wife and did seven years in prison. He dreams to save enough money so he and his troupe can buy a ranch and live real cowboy lives.

Perhaps Clint was encouraged by the success of "Every Which Way But Loose" to think audiences were ready to see him be a nice guy. That's the best explanation for "Bronco Billy."

Clint must have feared his fans were too dense to appreciate the upbeat nature of "Bronco Billy," because he had one character explain the film's message in short sentences.

"Don't you understand what Bronco Billy and the wild west show are all about?" the character asks Locke. "You can be anything you want. All you have to do is go out and become it."

There is nothing wrong with that message, even if it sounds alarmingly close to dime-store psychology someone like Dr. Phil might dispense.

Next up: "Any Which Way You Can."

"Escape from Alcatraz:" Clint is busting out all over!

Title: Escape from Alcatraz
Released: 1979
Genre: Prison action
Notable for: Clint's last film with Don Siegel
Coolest thing Clint does: Duh! He escapes from Alcatraz

Clint's only prison movie gets off to an uncomfortable start when he shows his naked ass.

"Jee-zuz!" Brad objected. "No one wants to see Clint's ass. The guy was, like, 50 when he made this movie. Not even 50-year-old women want to see a 50-year-old man's ass."

"Clint probably had an ass-double," Andrew theorized. "I bet that's not even his real ass."

"No way. Clint is too cheap to pay an ass double. Clint likes to show his ass."

"What is wrong with you?" Andrew asked. "Take that back."

Mercifully, the ass exposure ends early. For the rest of the movie, including a shower scene, the audience is spared the sight of middle-aged male butts or genitalia.

"Escape from Alcatraz" is based on a true story and shot on the real Alcatraz Island off San Francisco. Clint must like Alcatraz as scenery, because it was also the site of the climax of the third Dirty Harry movie, "The Enforcer."

Despite visual authenticity, "Escape from Alcatraz" has a phoniness common in prison movies. Nearly all the prisoners are good guys and the prison warden is a sadistic prick who enjoys crushing their beautiful spirits. Yeah, sure. This, we guess, is what they call dramatic license.

Clint plays Frank Morris, ringleader of the only escape from Alcatraz. The movie starts with Morris being transferred, bare ass and all, into Alcatraz from a prison in Atlanta.

Even when playing a real person, Clint stays true to typical form by making his character's background a mystery. All we are told about Morris' life is he expects no visitors. When one prisoner learns Morris does not know his own birthday, he says, "Geez, what kind of childhood did you have?" Clint answers, "Short."

Most of the storyline is predictable from the title alone.

Clint discovers the old concrete of Alcatraz is so crumbly it can be chipped away with a nail file around ventilation shafts. He hatches a plan to climb through the shafts to the roof, then shimmy down and float to freedom on rafts made of raincoats.

Elaborate scheming is needed to fool the guards and the evil warden, and this is the basic tension of the movie. Clint and his guys have several close calls but never get caught. This tension is somewhat defused by the fact the audience knows they will not get caught. But it is still entertaining.

Aside from the warden, the only villain in the movie is a big, hulking creep named Wolf who tries to make Clint his prison bitch. While taking a shower, Clint slugs Wolf in the nuts and jams a bar of soap into his mouth. From then on, Wolf is determined to kill Clint. In another non-surprise, he fails.

At the end of the movie, Clint and two other convicts make it to the ocean, float away and are never seen again. No one knows if the real Morris gang drowned (most likely) or made it to freedom, and the movie leaves that question unanswered, too.

"Escape from Alcatraz" turned out to be the end of one chapter in Clint's career. It was his last film directed by Don Siegel. Except for Sergio Leone, director of Clint's spaghetti westerns, Siegel was the director most important to developing Clint's onscreen persona.

It was a fitting end to their partnership: A film that was tight, entertaining, and not taken seriously by serious movie people.

Clint must have been man enough to know by age 50 that he wanted to aim a little higher, bare ass and all.

Next up: "Bronco Billy."

"Every Which Way But Loose:" Nice guys make smash hits

Title: Every Which Way But Loose
Released: 1978
Genre: Redneck flavored fun
Notable for: Clint co-stars with an ape
Coolest thing Clint does: Never loses a fight unless he wants to

People who compliment Clint on his late-life brush with serious critical acclaim frequently do so by insulting "Every Which Way But Loose."

"Eastwood has sure come a long way from the days when he made movies with monkeys," they say.

We understand their point.

On the surface, "Every Which Way But Loose" must be one of the stupidest movies ever made, and it contains the hideous spectacle of Sondra Locke singing country music.

Clint's character, named Philo Beddoe, is presented as a blue-collar guy, but that's not really correct. Blue-collar guys have jobs. Philo spends his time working on cars in his yard, which is strewn with junk. He makes money betting on himself in bare-knuckle fights staged for wagering purposes. Where we're from, that sort of guy would be called "white trash," not blue collar.

Philo's lifestyle is based on the strange premise that street-corner prize fights are a common American tradition. Every town in the movie has a local champ and a bunch of working-class guys who are ready to gather to bet on a fight. Everyone has heard of Tank Murdock, an unbeatable brawler from Denver.

There is no coherent storyline, so the movie rests on oddball characters and memorable scenes.

Clyde, an orangutan, is Clint's buddy more than his pet. Clyde drinks beer, makes obscene hand gestures and is otherwise incorrigible. Ruth Gordon, who was 82 at the time, played a highly cranky old lady obsessed with getting a driver's license. Miss Gordon's talents were considerable but hearing an old lady say "goddamn" and "horse shit" is not nearly as hilarious in 2010 as it evidently seemed in 1978.


As for plot, there's not much.

Clint meets Sondra Locke, falls for her, she disappears and he drives off in his truck looking for her. Along the way, he makes enemies of the world's goofiest gang of swastika-wearing motorcycle riders and two inept cops. Bent on revenge, both the cops and the bikers follow Clint and Clyde as they follow Locke. Country music bars and singers are frequently encountered to keep the redneck charm flowing. At the end, Clint fights the legendary Tank Murdock, as if the whole movie led up to that climax, which it most certainly does not.

The worse flaw is Clint's inexplicable infatuation with Locke. Her character is, in a word, repulsive. She is selfish, bitchy, annoying, and her costuming while singing onstage in country-music bars seems designed to emphasize that she has the breasts of small boy.

Even the trailer for the movie -- conveniently posted above for your pleasure -- acknowledges that the story is absurd. "It's no joke," the narrator says. "It's Eastwood as you've never seen him before."

Andrew said it better: "A street fighter who has a pet orangutan falls in love with a traveling country music singer, who leaves him while he is chased by bumbling neo-Nazi bikers? What screenwriter could think anyone might buy that script?"

Despite all those flaws, "Every Which Way But Loose" was one of Clint's most popular movies. And it is still fun to watch.

Here's the best explanation for the popularity: For the first time in his career, Clint played a thoroughly likable character and audiences were ready to like him. Philo Beddoe is a good fighter, sure, but not a mean one. He's a nice, average guy looking for happiness in a world full of oddballs and apes.

And, what the hell, it's still a little funny to hear an old lady say off-color things. Look at Betty White.

Nice guys don't always finish last, eh, Clint?

Next up: "Escape from Alcatraz."

"The Gauntlet:" Clint laughs with his fans, not at them (we think)

Title: The Gauntlet
Released: 1977
Genre: Comic-book cop
Notable for: Making it obvious that Clint had a Yoko
Coolest thing Clint does: Drives a bus through an impossible storm of bullets

Life is full of jokes, and that is our best explanation for what was in Clint's mind when he made "The Gauntlet."

For regular guys, it's like when we pull out a seven-iron for a 210-yard tee shot, or when we pretend the size of our manhood is enormous.

Clint must have found it amusing to make an action film so far beyond believable that the joke is on himself. He becomes a parody of the ultimate action star. At least that's our theory. No matter what Clint had in mind, we're pretty sure he knew his audience would like over-the-top action even it is silly.


Even the movie poster was a ridiculous comic-book styled drawing. A frightened Sondra Locke clings to a ripped and gun-toting Clint (never mind that in the movie she is just as tough as him) with torn clothing revealing flesh seductive enough to qualify as false advertising.

The most basic elements of the plot are standard cop-movie stuff. Clint is a Phoenix detective sent to Las Vegas to retrieve a jail prisoner needed to testify in a trial. He becomes a target for mobsters and police who want his prisoner dead. The prisoner is a woman, and a romance develops.

It sounds like something Dirty Harry could do, but this time Clint is no Dirty Harry. His cop is a drunken loser chosen for the assignment because no one would doubt he could screw it up enough to wind up dead.

Clint eventually figures out his boss expects him to fail. Making it all the way back to Phoenix becomes a personal test of manhood. At the end, he delivers his prisoner to the courthouse by driving a bus reinforced with sheet metal past a gauntlet of cops who open fire.

Action movies never bear up well to strict scrutiny for realism, but "The Gauntlet" makes no effort to appear plausible. So many scenes and story lines are flat-out impossible that Clint had to be laughing. Here are just five examples.

1. Early on, cops open fire on Clint when he is inside Sondra's ranch-style house. They pump out so many bullets the structure collapses. That's a lot of bullets. Luckily Clint and Sondra escape through the secret tunnel that leads from her house into the desert.

2. Vegas casinos take bets on whether Clint and Sondra will make it alive to Phoenix. When the odds are 100-1 against them, Sondra bets $5,000 that they'll make it.

3. Cops are portrayed as mindless robots who gather in large numbers to murder anyone their boss wants dead. Except at the very end, whey they all inexplicably grow a pair and defy orders.

4. The prosecutor is in on the conspiracy to murder his witness, which raises the question: Why did he file the case at all?

5. In the climactic final scene, hundreds of cops fire at Clint's reinforced bus from both sides of a city street, apparently too dumb to notice the danger of cross-fire.

There is much more, but you get the idea.

In real life, "The Gauntlet" ushered in Clint's "girlfriend-movie period." His ill-fated romance with Locke had come to full bloom, and she would become a frequent co-star despite limited box-office appeal. Clint would earn the same sort of pussy-whipped reputation John Lennon received for putting Yoko on "The White Album."

It's good Clint was able to laugh at himself. That's a talent that comes in handy in movies and real life.

Next up: "Every Which Way But Loose."

"The Enforcer:" The manly appeal of a world where no one is screwed over without violent retribution

Title: The Enforcer
Released: 1976
Genre: Dirty Harry, part 3
Notable for: Tyne Daly and the beginning of Clint's questionable reputation as a feminist filmmaker
Coolest thing Clint does: Drives a car into a liquor store with guns blazing

Deep, black despair has clouded our perspective since a despicable fraud was committed last weekend in the corrupt city of Chicago.

Our beloved Detroit Lions started a new season in strange and unfamiliar style — with victory — by beating the Chicago Bears 21-19. Millions of television viewers saw Calvin Johnson catch the winning touchdown in the waning seconds of the game.

Oh, we were happy. We danced around our living room, sang the sacred Lions fight song ("Gridiron Heroes") and called Jay Cutler names like "crybaby" and "douchebag."

Then it happened. Under the influence of either Satan or a large bribe, the referees invented a rule and pretended it was violated by the Lions. They pretended the winning touchdown never happened due to some gibberish about the "process" of catching a football.

The usual futility, stupidity and ineptitude make it difficult enough to go through life as Lions fans. Adding larceny to the list is too much to bear.

Our despair was still strong when we sat down to watch the one man who never gets screwed like the Lions: Dirty Harry Callahan in "The Enforcer."

By this third installment of the Dirty Harry series, we know what to expect.

1. Clint carries a huge pistol and blows away scumbag maniacs in spectacular style. Check.
2. He has disdain for superior officers who are either spineless or evil. Check.
3. Unnecessary nudity and/or a kinky sex scene is unexpectedly but briefly stumbled upon. Check.
4. Harry's partners are jinxed. Double check.
5. Against all odds, the bad guys lose in the end. Check (of course).

We like that kind of stuff. How about you?

The basic storyline pits Harry against a gang of homicidal radical terrorists like the Symbionese Liberation Army, a militant group famous in the mid 1970s for kidnapping and brainwashing heiress Patty Hearst.

The creeps kidnap the mayor of San Francisco and demand ransom. Harry and his new partner track them down on Alcatraz Island, which they invade and conquer with bullets and shoulder-fired rockets. Clint does not care about the mayor, who is a douchebag, but he has a revenge-seeking hatred for the gang of radicals because they killed one of his many dead partners.

As is true for many Clint movies, the plot is not everything. Here are some highlights.

Funniest scene: Clint is transferred to the personnel department as punishment for being too violent in his police work. "Personnel," he says, "that's for assholes!" To which his sniveling, brown-nosing boss says, "I was in personnel for 10 years."

Best action: Three trigger-happy robbers are holed up in a liquor store with hostages. They demand a car from police. "What are you going to do?" Clint's partner asks. "Give them one," Clint says. Then he drives through the front of the store, dodging a shotgun blast, and shoots all three perps. The last one is intentially shot in the crotch from behind while running away, and he falls to the floor grabbing his nuts with both hands.

Best actor sighting: We nearly went crazy trying to place the actor who plays a black militant leader and reluctant informer who helps Dirty Harry. First we thought it was Jim Brown, the great football player turned marginal actor. But it was not Jim Brown. It was what's-his-name, the guy who played the bank robber who heard the first "Do I feel lucky?" speech in the original "Dirty Harry."

The most obvious way "The Enforcer" is different from earlier Dirty Harry films is Clint has a chick for a partner. It's Tyne Daly, later of the "Cagney and Lacey" television show. Clint is appalled to receive a female partner, but she wins his respect and, it seems, affection. There is no love scene, but you get the idea they would eventually hump like otters except Tyne gets shot dead at the end. Dirty Harry looks like he wants to cry.

"Men appreciate more than killing," Andrew reflected.

Oddly enough, Clint was lauded in certain feminist quarters for "The Enforcer." The bra-burners praised him for presenting a strong female character who overcame prejudice to prove her worth as a cop and a friend. Maybe feminism is what Clint had in mind, but we sincerely doubt it.

Dirty Harry was no feminist. He was hugely popular because, regardless of race or gender, he hated no one except people who deserved hatred. And because in his perfect world injustice was always punished by, at minimum, a bullet to the testicles.

We needed a man like that in Chicago last week.

Next up: "The Gauntlet."