The Clint Eastwood Project

Final report of the Clint Eastwood Project, with lessons learned and a highly debatable Top 10 list

2011-04-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

Proudly joining the ranks of the few human beings who have watched every Clint Eastwood movie brings an obligation to the species to share what we learned.

Taking literally minutes of deep study, we both compiled a list of our 15 favorite Clint movies. Using a point system, we boiled it down to this consensus Top 10 list.

10. “Sudden Impact”
9. “For a Few Dollars More”
8. “A Fistful of Dollars”
7. “Pale Rider”
6. “Unforgiven”
5. “Thunderbolt and Lightfoot”
4. “Dirty Harry”
3. “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”
2. “High Plains Drifter”
1. “The Outlaw Josey Wales”

We did not necessarily believe we like Clint's westerns best, but it’s impossible to deny with a list like that.

Even we were surprised “Sudden Impact” beat out so many great movies, including an Academy-award-winning best picture. Our best explanation is we find Sondra Locke convincing and compelling when she shoots men in the balls.

“Thunderbolt and Lightfoot” is ranked awfully high, but deserves it. It is an often-overlooked gem of Clint's career.

Many people would say we vastly over-rate “High Plains Drifter.” Well, that's our opinion.

No apology is needed for picking “The Outlaw Josey Wales” as number one. We have no doubt it would have been nominated for best picture, and perhaps won, if Clint made the same movie 20 years later when he was fashionable.

Watching every Clint Eastwood movie in chronological order is a stupid task only on the surface. We followed the path of Clint’s career once a week for more than a year and never tired of it.

We learned many things.

We learned Clint's habit of shooting dimly lit scenes gets annoying with repeated exposure. Several times, the screen was so dark we had difficulty determining exactly what was going on.

We learned the heart of Clint's skill as a movie maker — both before and after he was taken seriously — is story-telling. All his movies tell a story, and usually it’s an interesting story.

We learned Clint is a master at presenting heroes who are are not all good and antagonists who are not all bad. Sometimes the villains, like Scorpio in "Dirty Harry," are pure evil. But more often, they have good sides or are almost likable.

Most importantly, we learned the one consistent truth about Clint as a male icon is a deep sense of justice. This was completely missed by early critics who stupidly called his violent characters amoral. Clint was never amoral.

Thanks, Clint. This father and son will never forget the time we spent together with you, and that is a great gift.

"Gran Torino:" Clint's last stand (maybe)

2011-04-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Title: Gran Torino
Released: 2008
Genre: "Grumpy Old Men" meets "Dirty Harry"
Notable for: Clint's final acting role, probably
Coolest thing Clint does: Growls down the barrel of his gun at Asian punk gang-bangers

If "Gran Torino" is Clint's last film as an actor, at least he had the good grace to give longtime fans (translation: lowbrow morons like us) something to savor.

Frequent grunts and grimaces, a big gun, funny scenes, and growling threats to blow evil heads off — that's the Clint we like best.

"Gran Torino" was filmed 90 miles from our door in scenic Highland Park, Michigan. Clint plays a sort of person who populates our world and our extended family, a retired autoworker.

Clint is a racist (although he never uses the word for black people that all white racists in Detroit use) who sits on his porch drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon without ever saying anything nice. He's also a Korean War veteran who does not take shit. His vintage Ford Gran Torino, which Clint helped build on the assembly line, is his prized possession.

His wife is dead, his children and grandchildren are selfish assholes and his neighborhood is, in his view, going to hell with an influx of Hmong immigrants.

The old dude might never leave his porch, but a changing world keeps forcing him into action. This leads to some Classic Clint scenes, like when he confronts some wanna-be gangster punks who hassle a neighbor girl.

"Ever notice you come across somebody every once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with?" Clint asks the punks. Then he spits, like Josey Wales. "That's me."

The real story is Clint's relationship with a Hmong family next door, especially their Americanized daughter and "pussy kid" son. Clint saves the boy from the clutches of an Asian gang, snarling the most famous line from "Gran Torino:" "Get off my lawn."

"We used to stack fucks like you five feet high in Korea," he says. "Use you for sandbags."

Clint slowly takes the wimpy boy under his wing, leading to one of Clint's all-time funniest scenes when he tries to teach the boy how to act like a man.

In the end, Clint must confront the bad guys just like he did at the start of his first real movie, when The Man With No Name confronted those low-lives who laughed at his mule. This time, he shoots no one, and instead sacrifices his life so the Hmong boy can live free.

He's dying of terminal disease, anyway, so it is Clint's triumph to go out with a manly flourish.

If this is the end of the road for Clint's acting career, he made it the same sort of triumph in real life.

Our half-assed look at the movies Clint directed

2011-04-09T14:03:00.001-07:00

Before completing the Clint Eastwood acting library with "Gran Torino," we'll make this brief mention of Clint's output as a director.

Now that he's an old man, Clint obviously wishes to be a director more than an actor, but that was never our concern.

From the start of the glorious Clint Eastwood Project, our intent was to soak in Clint's on-screen presence.

Yet once people begin an anal completist project of this sort, it is difficult to miss anything. We have also watched the movies Clint directed without acting. Here are our one-sentence reviews.

"Breezy," 1973: An average movie based on the absurd premise that the hippie era gave 50-year-old men opportunities to screw teenage girls.

"Vanessa in the Garden" a segment for the TV show "Amazing Stories," 1985: A passable but lackluster excuse by Clint to put Sondra Locke on TV.

"Bird," 1988: Clint made no real attempt to explain what drove his subject, jazz saxophonist Charlie Parker, to a self-destructive drug habit, which is a pretty big hole.

"Thelonious Monk, Straight, No Chaser," 1989: A documentary produced but not directed by Clint that will interest everyone already interested in Monk.

"The Stars Fell on Henrietta," 1995, produced but not directed by Clint: Robert Duvall is very good but the story is not.

"Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil," 1997: Snore.

"Mystic River," 2003: Great movie.

"Flags of Our Fathers," 2006: A far better war movie than any (of the few) Clint made as an actor.

"Letters from Iwo Jima," 2006: The best movie we ever watched with subtitles, which is a limited field.

"Changeling," 2008: Has a hanging scene so real we could almost smell the crap in the serial killer's pants.

"Invictus," 2009: A feel-good story that holds our interest with rugby, racial politics and, most importantly, Morgan Freeman.

"Hereafter," 2010: Either plodding and dull or interesting and thought-provoking — we have a fundamental difference of opinion.

"Million Dollar Baby:" Clint gets depressing for more Oscars

2011-04-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

Title: Million Dollar Baby
Released: 2004
Genre: Tear-jerker with boxing
Notable for: Clint's second helping of Oscars
Coolest thing Clint does: Acts grumpy, we guess

People with taste consider "Million Dollar Baby" to be perhaps the best Clint Eastwood movie. But we have a quibble.

"It's good, but it's depressing," Andrew said. "It's the most depressing Clint movie ever."

"Million Dollar Baby" reunites Clint and Morgan Freeman as a couple of old guys running a semi-seedy boxing gym. Clint is a crusty trainer in the mold of Burgess Meredith from "Rocky," but he quickly reveals a heart of gold.

He writes letters to an estranged daughter who returns each letter unopened. He attends mass every day and argues theology with an exasperated priest. He is intensely loyal to his best fighter, who does not return the favor.

Hilary Swank shows up in the gym (on her way to a second Oscar for best actress) and wants Clint to train her. She's a hillbilly waitress with big dreams.

"I don't train girls" Clint snarls. He calls female boxing "the latest freak show."

Obviously, it's just a matter of time.

Once Clint starts the training, Hilary rapidly becomes a great boxer. She is devoted to Clint and becomes his substitute for the lost daughter.

While fighting the world's dirtiest boxer of any gender, Hilary is sucker-punched long after the bell rings to end a round, causing her to fall head-first into a corner stool. She is paralyzed from the neck down.

By all rights, Clint should have jumped into the ring and punched that dirty-fighting chick square in her face. Or maybe shot her dead with a harpoon gun. But he did nothing, Nothing happens to the villain. The most Clint-like action in the entire film was delivered by Morgan Freeman. Enraged by a gloating bully one-third his age, Freeman puts on a box glove and beats the teeth out of the guy.

The rest of the movie shows Clint sitting devotedly by Hilary's side as she develops bedsores and has an infected leg amputated. She begs him to give her a mercy killing.

"I can't!" Clint growls. Of course he can.

Clint waits for the film to foreshadow that he will be lost if he performs the mercy killing, then he pulls the plug and drops out of sight.

"When he walked out, I don't think he had anything left," Freeman says as narrator.

Clint won his second Oscars for both best picture and best director, but this is in some ways the most unClint-like movie we've seen in the nearly completed Clint Eastwood Project.

Clint made other movies with sad endings — "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot" is similar, on the surface — but "Million Dollar Baby" is the only one where he is shattered by grief instead of grunting along as the strong, silent type.

It is a very good movie, we admit, but we don't have enough taste to fully enjoy being depressed by our heroes. We don't want heroes to be crushed by cruel and unfair fate, no matter how nobly they face the crushing. We prefer the Clint who rights wrongs, kicks ass and is stronger than the world around him.

Next (and last) up: "Gran Torino."

"Blood Work:" Bloody justice delivered one final time, ala Clint

2011-03-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

Title: Blood Work
Released: 2002
Genre: Crime story
Notable for: Clint's (most assuredly) last cop
Coolest thing Clint does: Shoots a serial killer in the arm, tosses him a belt and advises tight pressure around the wound to avoid bleeding to death

Three times during "Blood Work," we yelled out: "Shoot him, Clint!"

And all three times -- Bang! -- Clint blasted away. As an example of cinematic art, "Blood Work" has that going for it.

"Blood Work," sadly, is what today appears certain to be Clint's final role as a cop. To be more precise, he's a famous FBI agent.

At the start of the movie, Clint is busy chasing down a serial killer called "The Code Killer" when he keels over of a heart attack.

"Shoot him, Clint!" we yelped. Grimacing through the pain and daze of cardiac failure, Clint comes through by firing at the fleeing creep. Unfortunately, he merely wounds him.

By the next scene, Clint's had a heart transplant, he is retired and he lives on a boat. He is beguiled back into the crime-fighting game as a private citizen by a young woman who asks Clint to find the man who murdered her sister. The dead sister gave Clint his new heart, so he owes her.

Much to the displeasure of his doctor, Angelica Huston, Clint throws himself into the case. Being a heart transplant recipient gives Clint frequent excuses to take his shirt off and caress his nasty scar. Huston (side note: the real-life daughter of the movie director Clint parodied 12 years earlier in "White Hunter Black Heart") and many other people repeatedly tell Clint he looks like shit. But he keeps working the case.

On the lame pretext that Clint is too weak to drive, he enlists help from the neighbor who lives on the next boat. The neighbor is a goofy surfer-type dude played by Jeff Daniels, who is practically our real neighbor from nearby Chelsea, Michigan.

A couple of times Clint gets close to the killer, and he can sense it. He pulls out a pump-action shotgun to confront a suspicious guy watching from a parked car. The guy speeds off.

"Shoot him, Clint!" And Clint fires several blasts into the car. Miraculously, he misses in much the same way all those bullets missed him in "The Gauntlet."

Even past age 70, Clint is not too old for a romance. He boinks the sister of his heart donor, which is just plain weird.

Jeff Daniels seems fishy, and for good reason. Eventually we see he's the guy who killed Clint's heart donor. He killed her specifically so Clint could get her heart. This was no ordinary gesture of homicidal neighborliness. Jeff is also The Code Killer, and he wants to revive cat-and-mouse games with Clint.

When Clint catches on, Jeff goes super freaky. He expects he can walk away because he kidnapped Clint's new girlfriend.

"Shoot him, Clint!" Bam! He wings Jeff in the arm and forces him to lead Clint to the girl.

This sets up a typical "Dirty Harry" climax in a dark and vacant ship run aground in the bay. When Clint gets the drop on weird Jeff, this time there is no reason to yell. We know he will shoot him dead, and he does.

Shoot him, Clint. Those are three manly words we will miss.

Next up: "Million Dollar Baby."

"Space Cowboys:" Would you believe Clint put a man on the moon?

2011-03-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Title: Space Cowboys
Released: 2000
Genre: Sci-fi geezer comedy
Notable for: Clint in space
Coolest thing Clint does: Lands the Space Shuttle with no training

Outward indications say "Space Cowboys" should be one of the worst movies in the Clint Eastwood's library.

A plot that turns Clint into a 70-year-old astronaut and the logic behind nearly all resulting heroics are, in a phrase, profoundly retarded.

Most of the movie is a comedy and Clint is the straight man. The closest thing to a bad guy -- another in the long line of stupid and self-centered bosses endured by Clint's screen characters, but this boss is also basically a traitor to his nation -- is never brought to justice.

Yet somehow Clint makes it work. Andy's four-word review: "Stupid, but it rocks." We have inter-generational agreement on that point.

"Space Cowboys" starts in 1958, when Clint and his buddies are Air Force test pilots who are cut out of the space program and replaced by a chimp.

The story fast-forwards to "present day" (assuming the present day has a Space Shuttle program at NASA, which it no longer does) and highly implausible things happen.

Circumstances compel NASA to look up old-man Clint to ask his help in repairing a falling Russian satellite. Clint agrees, but only on the condition he and three friends from the 1950s all go up in the Space Shuttle.

NASA trains the four geezers to fly the shuttle, control docking systems and walk in space in a month. Really, a month.

Clint rounds up his old pals — Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland and James Garner — and much joking ensues as they go through training designed for younger men. Old rivalries are renewed, namely with the borderline-traitor boss, and young bucks at NASA fail to show the old guys proper respect.

One of the biggest shocks in cinema history comes when all four old men are shown, during a medical exam, bare-ass naked from behind. Why, Clint?

The first half of the film is comedy where Clint is, at best, third banana. Jones and Sutherland are far funnier.

Clint's best line comes when an arrogant young guy at NASA tries to demand more deference.

"I hold two master's degrees from MIT," the arrogant guy says.

"Maybe you ought to get your money back," Clint says through his clenched lips.

When the shuttle finally goes up, the movie turns into a thriller with Clint clearly in charge.

The Russian satellite is revealed to be a secret nuclear weapon. Both it and the Space Shuttle are damaged in an explosion. Clint and Tommy Lee save the day in a series of impossible maneuvers that, of course, work.

Silly story and all, the special effects were impressive.

Everything ends semi-triumphantly.

Tommy Lee sacrifices his life to guide the wounded satellite to the moon. Really. He ties himself to the satellite and evidently survives a crash landing completely intact, then lies on the lunar surface in his space suit to enjoy the view until his oxygen runs out.

Meanwhile, Clint, the flight engineer, takes control of the Space Shuttle. He lands it without computer guidance systems and without any training as a shuttle pilot. Really.

Clint must have laughed at any critic stupid enough to find a message about redefining maleness or facing mortality. He tried to give the audience a good time, and it worked for us.

We forgive a lot of flaws in a movie if we care enough about the heroes to hope they win. Clint never stops delivering heroes worth rooting for.

Next up: "Blood Work."

"True Crime:" Clint scores as the lovable rogue

2011-03-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

Title: True Crime
Released: 1999
Genre: "His Girl Friday" meets "Dead Man Walking"
Notable for: Clint plays a ladies' man at age 69
Coolest thing Clint does: Beds his boss' wife without meaning anything by it

We are obligated to report Clint does not shoot anyone, punch anyone, or threaten through clenched teeth to kill anyone in “True Crime.”

Nothing blows up and the whole movie has only one car chase.

Despite those handicaps, Clint is pretty good for an old man.

He plays an old-school newspaper reporter for the Oakland Tribune who is a bad husband, a bad father and a bad employee.

He hits on women who are much younger. He is an alcoholic who falls off the wagon and drives drunk. He smokes cigarettes in no-smoking areas. He owns the shittiest car imaginable. He is rude and self-centered without even realizing it.

The character sounds like a jerk, but Clint manages to come across as a lovable rogue.

The plot is entertaining but so far-fetched it could not be meant to be taken seriously.

Newspaper editors played by James Woods (an irreverent but likable asshole) and Denis Leary (a complete douchebag) assign Clint to interview a convicted killer eight hours before his execution.

Clint’s hunches instantly sense the man on death row is innocent. His style of tracking down the facts is best illustrated by his reaction when the condemned man professes faith in Jesus Christ.

"Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about Jesus Christ,” Clint says. Nice guy.

In a few hours, Clint finds proof of innocence that went undetected through six years of police investigation, criminal trial and appeal hearings.

With last-minute heroics, Clint convinces the governor to call off the execution just as poison is pumped toward the innocent man’s vein in the death chamber.

Even without a gun, Clint is sort of a man’s man who does not give a crap what anyone else thinks of him. It’s appealing because all along we can see he is in the right.

As a side note, we laughed to see Clint, who was nearly 70 in real life, cast as the father of a girl who appeared about 3 years old. We stopped laughing when we learned the girl was Francesca Fisher-Eastwood, his daughter in real life. He has another daughter three years younger.

Damn, Clint. You the man.

Next up: “Space Cowboys.”

"Absolute Power" and praise for prolonging the age of vintage Clint

2011-03-04T10:17:00.000-08:00

Title: Absolute Power
Released: 1997
Genre: Murder thriller
Notable for: Clint takes down an evil POTUS
Coolest thing Clint does: Injects poison into a dude's carotid artery with full justification

We settled in to "Absolute Power" with an extravagant supply of take-out pulled pork and a sad realization that the era of vintage Clint was dying fast.

By 1997, Clint was pushing 70 and had no business making action thrillers anymore. But he still had a few tricks left.

"Absolute Power" jumps off to an unusually gripping start. Shortly after the opening credits, Clint breaks into a mansion and commences to steal jewelry and cash from a bedroom vault. In the middle of his heist, a drunken man and woman enter the bedroom. Hiding, Clint sees them start some rough sex that disintegrates into a struggle and fight.

When the woman gets the upper hand, the drunk guy cowers and yells for help. Right then — Bam! Bam! — two guys burst through the door and shoot the woman dead. We discover the two shooters are Secret Service agents and the drunken, cowering, jerk is the president of the United States.

We were sold on "Absolute Power" right there.

The story plays out as Clint is pursued by police, two rogue Secret Service agents, and a hit man. He is a charming master thief who jokes about attending AARP meetings and needing a pacemaker.

Clint's first instinct is to flee the country to evade the power of a morally corrupt president, played by Gene Hackman. Clint changes his mind at the airport when he sees the president on TV telling bald-faced lies.

"You heartless whore," Clint scowls. "I am not about to run from you."

Vintage Clint. He is transformed from criminal genius to instrument of justice.

Along the path to justice, a side story unfolds about Clint repairing his relationship with an estranged daughter. She is drawn into the action when the Secret Service guys try but fail to kill her. To protect and avenge the daughter, Clint injects a shot of poison into the neck of a Secret Service killer.

"Mercy," the Secret Service guy pleads. "I'm fresh out," Clint grimaces. Then he push home the syringe.

Vintage Clint, again.

Like more and more of his later movies, Clint is surrounded by a strong cast. Hackman was a recent Oscar winner with Clint in "Unforgiven." Ed Harris (fresh off an Oscar nomination for Apollo 13) is the main cop. Scott Glenn (Alan Shepard from "The Right Stuff") is one bad Secret Service agent and Dennis Haysbert (soon to become the black president on "24") is the other. E.G. Marshall plays the widowed husband in his final theatrical movie role.

The chief disappointment with "Absolute Power" is an ending far worse than the beginning. A lot of crap goes down at the end, as Clint tells old E.G. Marshall, but most of it is stupid, poorly explained, and it makes no logical sense. But by then we liked the movie enough to let it slide.

Vintage Clint, by this stage of The Clint Eastwood Project, is a treat to be savored.

Next up: "True Crime."

"Casper:" When we say every movie with Clint Eastwood, we mean every movie

2011-02-24T13:45:00.001-08:00

Title: Casper
Released: 1995
Genre: Semi-animated fantasy with alleged comedy
Notable for: A cameo appearance by Clint
Coolest thing Clint does: Vows to kill bridge players.

Setting out to watch every Clint Eastwood movie is strange enough, but only someone deranged would include “Casper” on the list.

Guilty, your honor!

Here's our deranged logic: We insisted on seeing Clint’s earliest movies, so we should see "Casper," too. Clint was a glorified extra in some of those early films, so he has bigger on-screen presence with a cameo appearance in "Casper."

We won’t bother to describe what happens in “Casper” except to say it's about the friendly ghost of cartoon fame. Click here if you itch to see the trailer.

Clint shows up briefly as a reflection in a bathroom mirror.

“I'm going to kill you, your momma and all her bridge-playing friends,” the reflection of Clint says. Believe it or not, that was a highlight of nearly two hours of viewing time.

We're not sure why Clint agreed to appear in a movie like this, even for a few seconds. But perhaps it is worth noting that two years earlier the little boy in Clint's "A Perfect World" was dressed in a Casper costume for much of the film. Maybe Clint likes friendly ghosts.

Next up: "Absolute Power." Back to real Clint movies.

"The Bridges of Madison County:" For God's sake Clint, shoot something

2011-02-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

Title: The Bridges of Madison County
Released: 1995
Genre: Romance
Notable for: Being a chick flick
Coolest thing Clint does: Umm ... Huh, nothing pops to mind.

Jeering began before the first line of dialog. "Grow a pair, Clint!" we yelled. "Make something explode!"

This was the day dreaded most since early formative stages of The Clint Eastwood Project. It was the day to watch "The Bridges of Madison County."

As almost everyone knows, "The Bridges of Madison County" is Clint's only movie aimed at a female audience.

Nothing is blown up. No one is shot with a harpoon gun. No one chases anyone on foot or in a car, a helicopter, a motorcycle, or a jet fighter plane. There is no suspense in the story and no stunt work in the film.

It is a movie about relationships. Specifically, Clint's four-day, deeply loving romantic relationship with Meryl Streep, who unleashes yet another accent.

The story is easy to summarize because almost nothing happens. Clint plays a roving photographer in 1965 who falls in love with an Iowa housewife played by Streep. Inevitably, they must part after four magical days of slow dances, sensitive smiles and bathtub sex. The story is told as a flashback from decades later, when Streep's adult children discover the affair after her death.

The excitement builds as we watch Clint appreciate good light, peel carrots, be polite, and pick flowers.

"I think I need everyone," Clint says. "I love people. I'd like to meet them all."

Good God, Clint.

Andrew has reached a milestone in The Clint Eastwood Project because "The Bridges of Madison County" was the first Clint Eastwood movie released after his birth.

He gives the film a low score on the Clint-O-Meter, but contends it is not bad for what it tried to be. Brad says it did not try to be a movie he wants to watch. To him, the best parts came when the stars, Clint and Meryl, were off screen.

We're not sure why Clint decided to do this, but we thank him for doing it only once. We need male icons to be iconic.

Next up: "Casper." That's right, "Casper." This shows how absurd we've become about seeing this job through completely.

"A Perfect World:" Clint guzzles Geritol in the background

2011-02-11T03:15:00.001-08:00

Title: A Perfect World
Released: 1993
Genre: Escaped convict buddy movie
Notable for: Creating the illusion Clint is paired with Kevin Costner
Coolest thing Clint does: Sucker punches a fellow cop for being trigger happy

The most fundamental thing expected from any movie starring Clint Eastwood is this: It should star Clint Eastwood. "A Perfect World" fails that test.

Clint has second billing behind Kevin Costner, which is false advertising. He plays a relatively small supporting part and never appears in a scene with Costner until more than two hours into the movie. If Hollywood was fair, Clint would have third billing behind a little kid and probably fourth behind Laura Dern.

"A Perfect World" is not a Clint Eastwood movie. It is a Kevin Costner movie directed by Clint.

On the up side, it's a very good story and Costner was never better in any role. Sez us, that's who.

Costner is a hardened criminal who busts out of a Texas prison with a psychotic creep sometime in the mid 1960s. One man is killed during the escape, and the convicts take a shy 8-year-old boy hostage.

Violent, yes, but Costner is not exactly evil. He saves the boy's mother from rape and kills his psycho partner for attacking the kid.

The hostage and Costner bond in a father-figure way.

"Are you going to shoot me?" the kids asks. Costner answers, "No, hell no. You and me are friends."

The boy chooses to stay with Costner when he could be released, and he breaks out of his introverted shell a little. In one odd touch probably dripping with symbolism or overtones of duality or something else equally beyond us, the kid steals a Halloween costume and is dressed for most of the movie as Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Clint is a Texas Ranger in charge of the manhunt. Dirty Harry he is not. He pursues Costner while swigging Geritol and riding in an Airstream trailer taken from the governor's campaign organization.

When he is on camera, Clint says things like, "We'll check every road and every farm between San Angelo and Sweetwater." He decides to eat the governor's T-bone steaks and Tater Tots, declaring, "I do like Tater Tots."

The co-star in Clint's scenes is Laura Dern, who plays a hot-shot criminologist assigned to the manhunt. That's highly unrealistic for a young female in Texas circa 1965, but we're willing to roll with it. Dern first dismisses Clint as "a hillbilly Sherlock Holmes" but eventually warms to him in a professional way.

Dern provides detailed background on Costner's difficult childhood and early run-ins with the law. This leads to the revelation that as a young lawman Clint encountered Costner and took a hard line that perhaps sent him deeper into life of crime.

The inevitable confrontation comes when Costner is already injured after being gut-shot by the boy in a very intense scene we did not see coming. Clint talks Costner into giving himself up, but then a cop sniper shoots Costner dead in violation of Clint's order to hold his fire.

Two hours and 19 minutes into the film, Clint finally gets furious. He punches the sniper cop square in the nose, then Dern kicks him in the nuts.

Fresh off his best-director Oscar for "Unforgiven," the movie probably reflects the start of Clint's preference to concentrate on directing more than acting. In that way, it's the dawn of a new era in Clinthood.

Well, it had to happen sometime. We cannot expect a man old enough to drink Geritol to do all the heaving lifting.

Next up: "Bridges of Madison County."

"In the Line of Fire:" A man is never too old to track a psycho and bag a hot girlfriend

2011-02-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

Title: In the Line of Fire
Released: 1993
Genre: Presidential assassin suspense
Notable for: John Malkovich is one great villain
Coolest thing Clint does: Takes a bullet for the president

Full disclosure: We always thought "In the Line of Fire" was one of the most under-rated Eastwood movies, and not solely because of Clint.

John Malkovich deserves half the credit for playing an outstanding twisted-genius, psycho-bastard villain engaged in a psychological battle with Clint.

Malkovich is either the best villain ever to tangle with Clint, or he's in second place behind that crazy sumbich Scorpio in the first "Dirty Harry." Tough call, but either way he's damn good.

Of course, Clint pulls his weight, too.

Rather unrealistically for 1993, Clint plays a Secret Service agent who was on duty for the Kennedy assassination. For 30 years he has questioned himself for failing to take the fatal bullet.

Much was made of Clint's "vulnerability" in this film. Mostly this means he played an old guy who runs out of breath jogging alongside the presidential limo. Hell, Clint was 63 when he made the movie. It does not strike us as a bold move to play a guy who was growing old at age 63.

More surprising, Clint is a fairly normal, mostly nice guy. He smiles, plays piano for fun and seduces a much younger woman (Rene Russo). He doesn't hate his job and his superiors don't hate him, although he has friction with a presidential chief of staff played by a future presidential candidate in real life.

Older and nicer, sure, but Clint is still hell on bad guys.

Malkovich is one sick but deeply laid-back dude. He is a former CIA assassin who has, as they say, gone rogue. He breaks the necks of women and shoots dumb rednecks who cross his path.

His plot to kill the president is ingenious in every way except its stupid lack of secrecy. Malkovich frequently calls Clint on the phone to tease him along in a cat-and-mouse game.

Their banter generally involves Malkovich describing a psychological kinship with Clint (which is not correct at all) and pointing out ironies of their situation. Clint usually responds in a less sophisticated way.

"You've got a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker," Clint says. Well, it played better as an onscreen comeback than it reads in print.

One of their scenes ranks among the most memorable in the annals of Clintdom.

After a rooftop foot chase, Clint finds himself dangling for dear life from the top of a tall building. Malkovich reaches down from the roof to save Clint. Clint pulls his pistol and sticks it in Malkovich's face.

If Clint pulls the trigger, both will die. If he lets Malkovich go, they both live. As this dilemma plays out, that freak Malkovich takes Clint's gun-barrel into his mouth and deep throats it. Weird, intense and weirdly intense.

Malkovich has all the advantages, including superior intelligence, but Clint is tenacious. He unravels the plot and, of course, saves the president and takes down the would-be assassin.

Right at the end, Clint goes to his dumpy house with his new squeeze Russo. There they discover another phone message left by Malkovich before his death. As he yammers away on tape, Clint and his girl walk out, no longer interested in the psycho.

Game over, Clint wins. Tenacity and a charming smile make up for a lot of disadvantages.

Next up: "A Perfect World."

"Unforgiven:" Welcome to the glory years

2011-01-29T10:18:00.001-08:00

Title: Unforgiven
Released: 1992
Genre: Western with guilt pangs
Notable for: Best picture Oscar
Coolest thing Clint does: Shoots Gene Hackman dead on a barroom floor

After one full year and 47 movies, we have watched Clint Eastwood drop agent orange on a giant spider, shoot everyone in sight, sing to trees and share a beer with an ape.

We've paid our dues to reach the official start of Clint's Glory Years.

"Unforgiven" is the movie that made it impossible for snooty people to continue regarding Clint as a cinematic joke. It won the best picture Oscar for 1992, and Clint won best director and was nominated for best actor.

Snooty we are not. Like a surprising number of Clint's fans, we're not even convinced "Unforgiven" is his best western.

"The Outlaw Josey Wales" is impossible to beat. Andrew is also highly fond of Clint's spaghetti westerns and Brad remains overly awed by "High Plains Drifter."

On the other hand, "Unforgiven" beats the crap out of nearly all other best-picture winners.

Clint plays a reformed mad-dog killer who reunites with an old partner and a punk kid for one last round of assassination. They ride into a dusty town to kill two cowboys for reward money.

Both cowboys end up deader 'n hell, but the real conflict comes between Clint and the town sheriff, a sadistic law-and-order type who wants no assassins in his town.

Like many of Clint's westerns, it is difficult to tell good guys from bad. The paid killers have good points and the sheriff, played by Gene Hackman, is a vicious thug.

None of that sounds unique for Clint's sort of movie, but "Unforgiven" has two things his earlier westerns lacked.

First, Clint assembled some incredibly distinguished actors. Three actors nominated for best-actor Oscars in the previous four years were cast in supporting roles to Clint, the old grunt-and-stare master. Those three were Hackman, Morgan Freeeman and Richard Harris, although Harris was never in the same scene with Clint.

Just by attracting and paying those guys, it was obvious Clint wanted "Unforgiven" to be taken as a very serious movie. Hackman would win a supporting-actor Oscar.

Second, and undoubtedly more important to voters of the academy, this is not merely another violent western. For the first time in 47 movies, Clint is full of guilt and remorse for his homicidal violence, which allowed "Unforgiven" to be called anti-violent.

Clint and his gang of killers are haunted by their deadly acts. As a nice aside, one character is a dime-novel writer who glorifies western gunfighters while all around him killing is shown an ugly thing without glory. The best example comes when one cowboy is ambushed in an outhouse and shot three times while taking a shit.

The climactic scene comes as Clint puts a finishing bullet into Hackman while the lawman is wounded and bleeding on a barroom floor.

"I don't deserve this," Hackman says. "To die like this. I was building a house."

"Deserve's got nothing to do with it," Clint says.

"I'll see you in hell, William Munny," Hackman says.

"Yeah," Clint says in that whispery voice. Then he pulls the trigger.

Come to think of it, maybe "Unforgiven" is Clint's best western.

Next up: "In the Line of Fire."

"The Rookie": Clint gets raped!

2011-01-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

Title: The Rookie
Released: 1990
Genre: Cop buddy story
Notable for: Clint plays second-fiddle to Charlie Sheen
Coolest thing Clint does: Executes a leering super-villain who expects Clint to take him in alive

If "The Rookie" accomplishes nothing else, it raises a question we never expected Clint to encounter.

Can a male be raped by a female?

Clint throws it in our faces by participating in a sex scene everyone at the studio must have urged him to cut on the grounds of being weird, disturbing and pointless to what little plot exists in "The Rookie."

A psycho-bitch villain played by Sonia Braga mounts Clint while he is kidnapped and tied to a chair. She cuts him a little with a razor blade, then threatens to slice his cock off. Then she squats on his lap and takes deep pleasure.

"That wasn't sex," Brad said. "It's rape."

"Do you think Clint is going to run to a rape counselor and cry about it?" Andrew asked. "He liked it. He had to like it or she wouldn't be able to do it."

Andrew's point is so biologically obvious the script had to address the issue of Clint's boner. In the midst of her beastly pleasure, the villain psycho-bitch orders Clint, "Don't lose it!"

Our verdict: Clint was not raped. There are probably guys who would pay for what he got.

Why Clint chose to include that scene is a mystery, but he probably wanted something memorable in a movie loaded with flaws.

"The Rookie" may qualify as Clint's final pure action movie, and it comes off as a comic-book story of constant explosions, crashes, fires and gunfights.

Stunt work is good, but inexplicable casting and production decisions suggest Clint was either asleep at the wheel or he wanted to make the story silly.

Clint plays a cop on the auto-theft squad who chases a chop-shop kingpin. That sounds like gritty and unglamorous police work, except the chop-shop kingpin is a James Bond styled villain complete with a high-tech evil lair, getaway planes, remote-controlled bombs and homicidal madness.

It gets stupider.

The chop-shop gang is a bunch of Mexicans and the kingpin boss is played by Puerto Rican actor Raul Julia. His girlfriend/henchwoman is Braga, who is Brazilian. Yet for some unguessable reason, Julia and Braga are supposed to be German.

On top of all that, performances by some actors who played higher-ups on the police force were so laugh-out-loud bad we wondered if Clint asked for a campy feel.

As the title suggests, aside from catching the bad guys, the story is about Clint's rookie partner, played by Charlie Sheen. Sheen is a scared rich boy confronting a deep inner struggle to grow a pair. No surprise here: He does.

Despite so many glaring weaknesses, we confess "The Rookie" never lost our interest simply because so many things blow up, crash, and burst into flame. Not to mention flying bullets.

One test of any mindless action movie is whether viewers care enough by the end to enjoy seeing the evil villains die. "The Rookie" passed that test.

"There's got to be 100 reasons why I don't blow you away," Clint says to Julia just before he blows him away. "Right now I can't think of one."

That's classic Clint, and classic Clint is never all bad.

Next up: "Unforgiven."

"White Hunter, Black Heart": We like it better when Clint pulls the trigger

2011-01-15T04:17:00.000-08:00

Title: White Hunter, Black Heart
Released: 1990
Genre: Hollywood bio-fiction
Notable for: Clint talks funny
Coolest thing Clint does: Verbally demolishes a smug, Nazi sympathizing Englishwoman over champagne

By this stage of Clint's film output, he obviously itched to try different things. We don't know why he chose "White Hunter, Black Heart" to be one of those things, but it is different.

For starters, Clint must talk more in this movie than in all his westerns combined. And he talks funny.

He plays an egotistical movie director in a transparently veiled story of John Huston making the 1951 film "The African Queen" in the Congo. Other actors play imitations of Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart, and Clint joins in by imitating Huston's speaking style. He doesn't do a bad job, but it is impossible to stop noticing the dude talks funny.

Studio publicity for "White Hunter, Black Heart" called the movie an "adventure in obsession." It's the sort of script that probably sounded interesting to Hollywood insiders in the same way playing record albums backward fascinates Beatlemaniacs.

The film rises and falls on Clint's portrayal of the flamboyant movie director. His character is selfish, hard-drinking, a womanizer and a lover of manly adventure in the mold of Ernest Hemingway.

"There's nothing tougher than remembering why you chased a dame after you've had her," Clint says at one point. After he is pummeled in a fistfight, he says, "You've got to fight when you think it's right, even if you get the hell beat out of you."

Clint's character annoys everyone, but he has an endearing way of sticking up for little guys.

When a white hotel manager knocks down a black African employee for a minor mistake, Clint calls the white guy a yellow bastard and fights him.

Our vote for the best scene in the movie comes when Clint's dinner companion, a lady he hopes to lay, reveals she hates Jews. He verbally rips her to shreds. Click here to see it.

Elephant-hunting is a central theme because Clint is obsessed with shooting a "big tusker" while in Africa. Much symbolism probably exists here, but we are too dumb to explain it.

"It's not a crime to kill an elephant," Clint explains. "It's a sin. It's the only sin you can buy a license to go out and commit."

Killing an elephant sounds adventurous but it is a poor foundation for a plot. The story never builds to any climax except the less-than-riveting uncertainty of whether Clint will bag his big tusker.

When the moment of truth arrives, Clint -- unbelievably -- wimps out. He cannot pull the trigger and a charging elephant kills his beloved hunting guide. A shaken Clint goes back to his movie set and commences filming "The African Queen."

The elephant-sparing ending must either reveal Clint's manly macho was a fraud or it involves some inner awakening. We did not care enough to ponder.

Lifelong Clint fans are unlikely to place "White Hunter, Black Heart" high on their list of favorites. Among other weaknesses, nothing explodes and Clint's character is not heroic. But critics loved it.

"This material marks a gutsy, fascinating departure for Mr. Eastwood, and makes it clear that his directorial ambitions have by now outstripped his goals as an actor," wrote the New York Times reviewer.

Different must be good for its own sake in Clint's line of work. Oscars were just two years away for the old grunter.

Next up: "The Rookie."

"Pink Cadillac" and the sleepy traveler

2011-01-08T04:46:00.000-08:00

Title: Pink Cadillac
Released: 1989
Genre: Action/comedy, minus apes
Notable for: Clint wears disguises
Coolest thing Clint does: Destroys a white supremacist compound with a Mary Kay-styled pink convertible Caddy

After a delay caused by a week-long trip to Mexico, the land of sun and compromised credit-card security, The Clint Eastwood Project resumed on a shameful note.

Brad fell asleep watching "Pink Cadillac."

This disgrace can perhaps be attributed to travel fatigue inflamed by a brief but unfortunate incident at the border. U.S. Customs agents confiscated what we think was the skull of a sea turtle, an artifact Andrew found while snorkeling in the Caribbean Sea. The feds let us go but papers were filed with the Department of Homeland Security forever identifying Brad as a known skull trafficker.

Or perhaps Brad's shame has more to do with the overall quality of "Pink Cadillac," Clint's last movie of the 1980s.

Andrew pronounces the movie "pretty good" and considered it funny and entertaining. Brad finds it disjointed and uninspired, a movie that tries to do too many things -- comedy, action and romance -- in a half-assed way.

Clint plays a "skip tracer" who finds fugitives who jump bail. "For once in your life, be reasonable," a guy tells him early in the movie. "I tried that once," Clint answers. "I didn't like it."

When a hard guy like that tracks down a fugitive, he ought to stick a .44 in his ear and growl, "Let's go." But Clint doesn't. He tricks them into captivity with a bunch of silly disguises.

Clint's best comedy comes when he is disguised, and he seems to enjoy the chance to be goofy. His funniest exchange comes when he is disguised as a shit-for-brains redneck who infiltrates the paramilitary compound of white supremacists.

"If we get rid of all the blacks, all the Jews, what are we going to do for entertainers? Comedians, things like that?" Clint asks in a silly, mouth-breather voice. "We'll still have David Letterman," a white supremacist says. "Yeah," Clint marvels. "We'll still have David Letterman."

The funniest line goes to Bernadette Peters. When a flasher exposes himself to her, she says, "Looks like a penis, only smaller."

The action part of the story falls flattest.

Clint tracks down Peters for jumping bail on a crime committed by her husband, who is a doofus speed-head mixed up with the white supremacists. An unlikely but entirely predictable romance ensues.

The white supremacists are after Bernadette, too, because she unknowingly ran off in a car with $250,000 of their money in the trunk. They kidnap her baby to force her to bring back the money, and Clint helps get the baby back.

"Pink Cadillac" could not decide whether to make the bad guys really menacing or make them a bunch of goofy screwballs like the neo-Nazi biker gang in the "Every Which Way but Loose" movies. The film tries to split the difference and does neither.

The villains are stupid and incompetent and drug-addled, but supposedly homicidal. When the final confrontation arrives, a big action sequence fails because the bad guys are not bad enough to be taken seriously and not goofy enough to provide comedy.

As a completely minor side note, the movie has a cameo appearance by Jim Carrey, who plays the world's most disturbing Elvis imitator. Click here to see it.

Clint was almost 60 years old when "Pink Cadillac" was released. A man that age ought to be forgiven for trying to do too many things while he still can. The same impulse might cause a middle-aged man to become an international skull smuggler.

Next up: "White Hunter, Black Heart."

"The Dead Pool:" Harry's last stand

2010-12-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Title: The Dead Pool
Released: 1988
Genre: Dirty Harry, take five
Notable for: Memorable performances by future stars
Coolest thing Clint does: Blows away the bad guy with a harpoon gun

No doubt exists in our limited minds that "The Dead Pool" is the worst Dirty Harry movie. It's the fifth and last in the series, and inspiration does not flow like a cool stream.

Here are five bad parts.

1. "You're shit out of luck" is the worst catch phrase in the Harry Callahan arsenal of catch phrases. Brad could expound on this for several paragraphs, but as a gesture of mercy, he won't.

2. It was impossible to hate the bad guy with the proper passion because he was barely in the film. "The Dead Pool" tries to be something of a whodunit, and that's not right. We don't want to see Dirty Harry solve a crime, we want him to bring bloody justice to psychotic scumbags we know are guilty almost from the opening credits.

3. The expected elements of Dirty Harry movies were by this time so predictable Clint himself plays with them as cliches. When assigned a new partner, he says out loud what everyone in the audience must think. "All my partners end up dead or in the hospital." He carries Dirty Harry's fondness for big guns to a laughable extreme by wielding a harpoon gun in the final scene.

4. The plot is stupid. It's a story about some celebrities who bet on which other celebrities will die and somehow their picks become public and for some reason a dude kills off celebrities on the list of a particular movie director played predictably well by Liam Neeson. That is all we intend to say about that.

5. Dirty Harry is no longer despised by superiors on the police force. He receives a little token complaining about the cost of a police car destroyed on his watch, but Dirty Harry has become a celebrity cop. He's so famous he's on Neeson's list of celebrities expected to die. Much of the movie's message appears intended to be commentary on the nature of celebrity and the media in modern society. No one watches Dirty Harry for that kind of crap.

Strangely enough, we still like the movie.

Jim Carrey and Neeson give good performances early in their careers. Click here to see Carrey (credited as James, not Jim) go all super-freaky. And there is a cameo appearance by Guns N' Roses.

Stupid plot or not, Clint has some great scenes blowing away scumbags. Some of them, as usual, he stumbles upon while walking down the street. Others are hit men out to kill him for sending a mob boss to prison.

One example of classic Clint comes when he's had enough of those pesky hit men. Clint goes to the prison where the mob boss is locked up and scares him shitless by fooling him into believing he, Clint, has purchased protection from the nastiest inmate goon in the prison. A couple of scenes later, mobsters are tailing Clint as bodyguards, not killers.

The ending includes fine symmetry circling back to the very first moments when we saw Dirty Harry 17 years earlier. In the first movie, Clint pretended to lose track of whether he shot all his bullets, asking punks if they felt lucky enough to assume his gun was empty. In the finale, the bad guy steals Clint's .44 magnum and blasts away at him. Then all grows quiet as Clint walks slowly toward the killer with the aforementioned harpoon gun. "You're out of bullets," Clint says. Then he fires a harpoon through the guy's chest.

Nailing that guy with a harpoon was unnecessary (translation: murder) but it is one of the more awesome displays of Dirty Harriness.

As every male knows, the worst Dirty Harry is still better than a lot of other movies. Speaking on behalf of The Clint Eastwood project, we're going to miss Harry Callahan from here on out.

Next up: "Pink Cadillac."

"Heartbreak Ridge:" This is where Clint starts getting to be an old man

2010-12-11T03:55:00.000-08:00

Title: Heartbreak Ridge
Released: 1986
Genre: Military humor and heroics
Notable for: The script pissed off the U.S. Marine Corps enough to cancel cooperation
Coolest thing Clint does: Smashes up a thug while spending a night in the drunk tank, then tells him, "Why don't you sit there and bleed a while."

Anyone who thinks Clint emerged in the 1970s as The New John Wayne should know the vast database of The Clint Eastwood Project reveals "Heartbreak Ridge" was the first time Clint played a member of U.S. military forces in a war movie.

His character was on loan to the Brits in "Where Eagles Dare." He was AWOL all through "The Beguiled." "Kelly's Heroes" was an anti-war movie where Clint made friends with Nazis at the end. And "Firefox" was a spy story with Clint playing a military veteran pressed back to duty for a secret mission.

We conclude Clint did not much care for war movies, and he made an odd one when he finally gave it a whirl in "Heartbreak Ridge."

Andrew finds "Heartbreak Ridge" entertaining and judges it "not the best, but pretty good." Brad thinks it is mostly stupid because it is two different movies crammed unconvincingly into one.

Clint plays a tough Marine Corps gunnery sergeant who has a habit of getting drunk and finding trouble. The makeup people put scars on his face and Clint put extra gravel in his voice.

He is assigned to lead a platoon of young Marines who are complete screw-ups. One actually talks a little like Gomer Pyle. The rest behave, ludicrously, as if they can ignore commands. No wonder the Marine Corps withdrew its support.

The first part of the movie is basically a comedy where Clint whips the screw-ups into shape. It has some fine moments. Clint runs around growling about how he's drank more beer, pissed more blood and banged more quiff than anyone alive.

"Heartbreak Ridge" is set in the early 1980s and Clint's character is a veteran of Korea and Vietnam. He is a little frustrated to have no wins on his war record. At first, the young Marines think he is a crazy old man. His asshole major calls him a relic.

"This is the new Marine Corps," the major says. "Characters like you are an anachronism." It sounds exactly like the crap Dirty Harry took from his superiors.

Comedy stops abruptly with 30 minutes left in the movie. Clint's Marines are put on alert and sent to invade Grenada. From then on it's all blood-and-guts battle scenes that show what a wonderful job Clint did making his guys combat-ready.

Victory is sweet for Clint, who savors his first war win. It seems inconceivable that anyone who fought in Korea and Vietnam could put Grenada on the same level, but Clint does it anyway.

The film ends with a glorious homecoming as a band plays "Stars and Stripes Forever." As far as we know, that exhausts the film library of Grenada Invasion stories.

"Heartbreak Ridge" may be most notable in the annals of Clintdom because it is the first film to address head-on the fact he was growing old. Clint was 56 in real life. He appeared in great physical shape for the movie, but he could no longer pass himself off as a youthful hero. He played a character his real age, a dude struggling with the approach of mandatory retirement.

Unlike some action stars we could name, he was man enough to accept the truth. And some of his most celebrated roles were still ahead.

Next up: "The Dead Pool."

"Pale Rider:" Clint was western when western wasn't cool

2010-12-05T04:21:00.000-08:00

Title: Pale Rider
Released: 1985
Genre: Mysterious-stranger western
Notable for: Clint's first return to the saddle in nine years
Coolest thing Clint does: Beats gang of thugs senseless with hickory stick

One of Clint's seldom-mentioned accomplishments is a key role in saving, or at least prolonging, the life of the American western drama.

It started with "Pale Rider."

Anyone old enough to remember knows it seemed vaguely stupid and pathetic in 1985 for Clint to make "Pale Rider." Cowboy movies were out of style. By today, they could easily be just as dead as the TV western.

Then "Pale Rider" came out and it kicked ass. New York Times reviewer Vincent Canby called it "the first decent western in a very long time."

Seven years later, Clint won his first Oscar for another western, "Unforgiven." Then many male stars started making westerns for fun and profit.

"Pale Rider" is never included on lists of the best westerns ever (here's one list and here's another), but it should be. Because it came out at a time when no one made westerns, it never received the full credit it deserves.

Believe it or not, Clint plays a mysterious stranger who rides into town and never reveals his name or the exact nature of his bloody past. Quite a stretch, huh?

He comes to the aid of a community of small-time gold miners who are brutally oppressed by the town's gold tycoon. The villainous tycoon wants their land so he can rape it with modern mining methods.

After beating the snot out of a few of the tycoon's goons, Clint puts on a preacher's collar and, from then on, is called "The Preacher."

A side-story veers close to pedophilia (not a first for Clint) when The Preacher is sexually propositioned by a 14-year-old girl. Clint declines but spares her feelings by assuring her 99 men out of 100 would nail her. Statutory rape must not have been a crime yet. He rejects the girl because he is more interested in her widowed mother. As romances go, a mother-daughter love triangle is either edgy or creepy.

"Pale Rider" was acknowledged to be a rip-off of the classic "Shane," but more interesting similarities are found to the story of ghostly vengeance Clint delivered 11 years earlier in "High Plains Drifter."

Saving the miners from the evil tycoon is a given for Clint's character in "Pale Rider," but the real intrigue centers on his connection to the spirit world.

In "High Plains Drifter," Clint played the revenge-seeking ghost of a murdered sheriff. "Pale Rider" is far less clear.

The movie title comes from the Book of Revelation, which says death rides on a pale horse. Clint, as director, made that obvious by having the verse read aloud while The Preacher is seen riding a gray horse.

So maybe Clint is death incarnate. Or maybe not.

In one scene, viewers see Clint has five bullet scars in his back, wounds that look as if they must be fatal. When the tycoon hires a paid killer, Clint reveals he has a score to settle with the dude. At the end, the killer stares hard at Clint, then says, "You!" Clint shoots him five times, leaving a pattern exactly like the scars in his own flesh.

So maybe Clint is a ghost. Or maybe not.

After shooting the bad guy five times in the chest, Clint fires once more and plugs him in the forehead, causing one of the greatest death-grimaces ever recorded on film. Clint does not have a scar on his own head, so this seems like an extra shot he never received.

So maybe Clint is just a mortal man who did not want to repeat the bad guy's mistake of leaving wounds that could be survived. Or maybe not.

The aforementioned Mr. Canby speculated that Clint's character was supposed to be God. We're not sure why God needs to retrieve guns from a bank safe-deposit box, as The Preacher did, to smite someone down. But why not?

God or no god, Clint helped raise western drama from the near-dead with "Pale Rider."

For that we thank you, Clint.

Next up: "Heartbreak Ridge."

"Tightrope:" Cinematic art for men, complete with kinky sex, lusty prostitutes and severed limbs

2010-11-27T04:47:00.000-08:00

Title: Tightrope
Released: 1984
Genre: Detective story, heavy on the whores
Notable for: Clint cast daughter Alison Eastwood in supporting role
Coolest thing Clint does: Pulls a severed arm off his throat

Clint was never accused, up to this point in his career, of appealing to female audiences. But "Tightrope" may be his one film that least resembles a chick flick. Estrogen must react to this movie like vinegar in a baking-soda volcano.

For starters, the film is shot in blackness extreme even for Clint. Women like movies that look bright and sunny. Dark lighting matches a dark story. It's a tense murder mystery with a creepy killer who wears masks and stalks prostitutes.

Also, the film has lots of good-quality violence and a fair amount of gratuitous female nudity, although usually the naked parts belong to women who are dead. As a subtext to murder, "Tightrope" features a cornucopia of male sexual perversions and fantasies.

Women must have left the theaters of 1984 and spent 40 minutes bitching about how thoroughly disturbed they were by "Tightrope."

In short, it's one of Clint's best non-cowboy films ever for the testicle-wearing audience.

Clint plays a police detective in New Orleans who investigates a series of murders in the sex district.

His cop character has a backdrop of semi-normal family life that is unusual for Clint's roles. He plays a divorced dude raising two daughters. The oldest daughter is played by his real-life daughter, Alison Eastwood, then 12. Little Alison went on to be a model, actress, film director and the head of a clothing line. Best of all, she posed for Playboy.

Clint's murder investigation is hampered by his chronic inability to ignore his boners. While questioning prostitutes and strippers, he cannot resist some kinky stuff. There is even a highly unClintlike suggestion that he has tried gay sex.

Every woman is gorgeous and they all want to screw Clint as soon as they see him. Click here to see some especially laughable sexual banter. Even the good girl Clint romances between whores wants it rough.

As the story unfolds, it becomes clear the killer is really targeting Clint, not random prostitutes. Before it's over, the killer attacks Clint's nice girlfriend and his daughters, and he stuffs Clint's old-lady babysitter into a washing machine.

The final scene ranks as one of the greatest in the chronicles of Clintdom.

Clint and the killer wrestle hand-to-hand in a fight to the death along some train tracks. A train bears down on them as they roll in the dirt. As the train passes, Clint rolls away from danger but the killer still has Clint's throat in a death grip.

As the camera backs up, we see the killer is no longer attached to his arm. It was severed by the train. Clint pulls the dead limb off his throat and throws it aside.

Sorry ladies, but that is some seriously manly shit.

Next up: "Pale Rider."

"City Heat:" Sometimes things look nicer with low expectations

2010-11-20T04:12:00.000-08:00

Title: City Heat
Released: 1984
Genre: Gangster action-comedy
Notable for: Clint stars with Burt Reynolds
Coolest thing Clint does: Walks down the middle of the street like God himself in gunfight with four hoods

"City Heat" is probably the most over-exaggerated "disappointment" in Clint's career.

Hollywood drooled dollar signs when Clint was paired with Burt Reynolds for a blockbuster action-comedy. Those idiots failed to realize two stars with a combined age of 101 were overripe to really kill audiences in a genre dominated by Eddie Murphy.

Ticket sales were disappointing to Hollywood idiots, but the film still cleared about $13 million in profit. With inflation, it made $26 million in today's dollars.

As an entertainment product, we give "City Heat" a solid 7.5 on the Clint-O-Meter. It's nowhere near a 10 ("The Outlaw Josey Wales"), but it has plenty of gunfights and is enjoyable if viewed without the burden of high expectations.

Clint plays a steely police lieutenant (what a stretch) in 1933. Reynolds is his former partner turned wisecracking private eye.

The comedy mostly springs from banter between the two stars. Their interplay is characterized by Clint calling Burt "shorty" and Burt calling Clint "ape face." One recurring "gag" has Clint watch Burt get beat up or shot at without lifting a finger to help, until a bad guy accidentally spills his coffee or fires a stray bullet through his windshield. Then Clint grimaces, rises and delivers swift and harsh vengeance. See? He cares more about his coffee than Burt!

None of it is laugh-out-loud funny, but that was predictable even in 1984, considering the comic track record of Mr. Reynolds.

The action in action-comedy comes when the boys are thrown together to fight two competing mob gangs. Bullets fly, although in a comic-book sort of way instead of the menacing-danger style of Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop."

You may ask how Clint and Burt come to fight two gangs of mobsters at once. We wish we could answer clearly, but unfortunately the script avoids coherent plot development.

Conflict starts when Burt's partner in the private eye business, Richard Roundtree, is very predictably murdered after double-crossing one mobster in a scheme to screw over another.

Never mind all that. The point is, Burt and Clint have a crapload of fistfights and gunfights and never get a scratch.

The best action scene has Clint turn bullet-proof as he slowly walks down a city street and kills four gangsters. His shotgun blasts make a car explode into a fireball and make a fire hydrant spray water on the blaze. Even we can see that is intended to be a gag because Clint plays his "Fistful of Dollars" image so over-the-top.

Whorehouse humor comes into play in the final scene, when Burt dresses in a wolf's head and girl's nightgown liberated from a bordello customer with a Little Red Riding Hood fantasy. Thus disguised, he beats up some hoods who kidnapped his horny, high-society girlfriend (Madeline Kahn, who should have been in more scenes).

Art, it ain't. But to paraphrase a popular song of the era, boys just want to have fun.

Twenty-six years later, it is difficult to imagine how anyone could expect more than a little boyish fun by putting Clint in a comedy with the dude from "Smokey and the Bandit."

Next up: "Tightrope."

"Sudden Impact:" So much more than an overused catch phrase

2010-11-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

Title: Sudden Impact
Released: 1983
Genre: Dirty Harry, take four
Notable for: "Go ahead, make my day"
Coolest thing Clint does: Goads mafioso into heart attack at the mafioso's daughter's wedding

After several weeks of country singing, comedy with apes, half-baked spy stuff, and fake cowboys coping with a harsh modern world, we were nearly distraught from withdrawal from real Clint Eastwood.

Thank God for "Sudden Impact." The return of Dirty Harry is like a Colt 45 tall boy to a sweaty alcoholic.

Clint is accused of dragging out the Dirty Harry franchise too long, but that's mostly bullshit because "Sudden Impact," the fourth of five, may be the best in the series.

Harry's gun is bigger than ever and assorted scumbags receive his usual dose of death or public disgrace.

Clint spits his overused catch phrase, "Go ahead, make my day," through clenched teeth while confronting a coffee-shop robber. Just as good but less catch-phrasey is the scene where he grabs a smirking punk in an elevator and tells him, "To me you're nothing but dog shit, understand?" If you get blue-ray, the vein that pops out in Clint's temple during that dog-shit speech looks bigger than a garter snake. Just as good is when Clint goads a mafioso into a fatal heart attack. The mafioso is not even listed in the credits but he's played by Michael V. Gazzo -- Frankie Pentangeli from Godfather II.

Damn good stuff and it has nothing to do with the real plot of "Sudden Impact."

"Sudden Impact" is really about a female serial killer taking revenge for a gang rape. She tracks down each rapist, shoots him in the balls, then in the head.

Sondra Locke plays the cock-shooter and we say it is her best performance in a Clint Eastwood film. It's a role suited to her talents.

Dirty Harry is investigating her string of penis-disfiguring murders, but he comes to realize the victims deserve to die. He practically joins forces with Locke when the scumbags kill his partner (yes, again) and cripple his dog.

The climax comes when the worst scumbag rapist falls through a carousel and is impaled through the chest on the horn of a unicorn. Our guess is symbolism is intended.

At the end, Clint sets both Locke and his audience free. This is Locke's last appearance in any Eastwood film because an ugly split-up loomed in real life. Who could have seen that coming?

Testosterone, protruding temple veins, and rapists brought to crotch-searing justice. A man needs to know what he does best. Thanks, Clint.

Next up: "City Heat."

"Honkytonk Man:" What happens when Clint tries a tear-jerker

2010-11-06T05:15:00.000-07:00

Title: Honkytonk Man
Released: 1982
Genre: "Grapes of Wrath" meets "Tender Mercies"
Notable for: Clint co-stars with son Kyle
Coolest thing Clint does: Robs a poker game to collect a debt

Spoiler alert! Clint dies at the end of "Honkytonk Man."

We mention that dramatic fact because it caused semi-scholarly interest as we watched Clint cough blood from lungs ravaged by tuberculosis.

"Has Clint ever died in a movie before?" Andrew asked. We have watched his first 38 films and our limited brainpower could not remember a single one in which his character dies.

Question: Could that lack of death scenes possibly be correct? Answer: Almost.

Combing the archives of The Clint Eastwood Project, we discovered just one forgotten death scene. Clint's character was murdered by sex-crazed schoolgirls in the weird 1971 movie "The Beguiled."

"Escape From Alcatraz" was fuzzy on whether Clint lived or died but certainly did not kill him off. "High Plains Drifter" had a death scene but that was a flashback. Clint played a ghost who remembered his murder. (Sez us, that's who.)

Not until "Honkytonk Man" did Clint ever go for a tear-jerker death. Once again, he was obviously trying new things as a movie star who just turned 50.

"Honkytonk Man" starts as a comedy set in the Great Depression. Clint plays a drunken small-time country music singer who relies on petty larceny to pay the bills.

The story revolves around his opportunity to make it big with an audition at the Grand Ol' Opry. Predictably, he sings in this movie and the results are not highly pleasing to the ears. Marty Robbins must rescue the title song from Clint's vocal stylings.

Mostly, it's a story about man-and-boy buddies on the road. The boy is played by Clint's real-life son, Kyle Eastwood, who was 14. Kyle plays Clint's nephew, whose parents inexplicably send him with Clint on the road trip from dusty Oklahoma to the big audition in Nashville.

Clint's idea of providing guidance to Kyle's character should have sent the poor kid to reform school. Under Clint's influence, Kyle screws a whore, drinks whisky, steals chickens, breaks Clint out of jail, gets accidentally stoned on weed and helps rob a poker game.

On the road to Nashville, the story turns more to tragedy as we realize Clint is deathly sick with tuberculosis. Hey, at least it provides some excuse for his singing voice. By the time he reaches the Opry, everyone knows Clint will die soon, but he insists on making some records.

Then he croaks. After the funeral, one of his records plays on the radio. So he made it big after all, we guess.

Tears were not successfully jerked from our eyes, but that's good. We don't like that kind of crap.

To our surprise, we both enjoyed "Honkytonk Man" quite a bit. Clint was appealing as the rogue with a heart of gold. Well, maybe not gold but some minor semi-precious metal. Kyle Eastwood did a creditable acting job for an amateur.

Judging from the slogan on the poster, this movie is largely about Clint teaching Kyle to be a man. Being a man means following your dream no matter how high the cost. Or maybe it means getting drunk every day and finding whores. We're not sure which Clint had in mind.

Next up: "Sudden Impact."

"Firefox:" The Wrong Stuff

2010-11-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Title: Firefox
Released: 1982
Genre: Spy "thriller"
Notable for: Special effects
Coolest thing Clint does: Kills a KGB agent in a men's room

We have now reached the point in Clint's career where it is no longer safe to expect each movie to bring the manly joy of grunting, squinting and cold-blooded volleys of gunfire.

He's begun to "spread his wings" and "test his boundaries" and otherwise reject his own stereotype.

Sometimes we don't care to watch.

"Firefox" nearly put us to sleep, even though everything about the movie sounds like it should be good.

"Hey! Let's put Clint in a tense spy story!" some cigar-smoking producer probably said. "The audience will eat it up like Nathan's hot dogs on a Coney Island Fourth of July!"

"Killer stuff," some coke-snorting screenwriter probably said. "But let's go one better by making it a spy story full of amazing special effects. This is 1982, man. You're dead without special effects."

Good as it all sounds, the end result is mostly boring. The essence of Clint is missing, and he is not funny or quirky to compensate for the loss.
..

Clint plays a hotshot pilot traumatized by his experiences in Vietnam. He is so mentally fragile he occasionally melts into a quivering pile of wimp.

Despite his mental instability and complete lack of spy training, Clint is selected for dangerous and daring mission inside the Soviet Union. He must break into a top-secret Soviet research facility and steal a highly advanced jet fighter.

The plane, called Firefox, is so sophisticated it runs off a pilot's thought waves. "If the Soviets can mass-produce it, it will change the structure of the world," Clint is told. So you know that's important.

Why pick a basket case like Clint for the job? Two reasons. One, he is such a great pilot everyone he assumes he can fly a plane that works on thought waves. Two, he speaks fluent Russian. Da!

For most of the movie, Clint is undercover sneaking into and around the Soviet Union. The commies are always close to catching him, and Clint leaves a trail of dead helpers in the underground resistance. We think the script also contained some sort of message about the courage of Jews, but we were too uninterested to grasp it.

Once Clint steals the plane amid a fiery diversion, "Firefox" turns to extended scenes of aerial combat.

The movie was made about halfway between "Star Wars" and "Top Gun," and the special effects show it. The problem with wowing audiences with the best special effects of 1982 is what happens by 2010. We are no longer impressed. The console of the high-tech jet fighter looks like a video game before graphics cards were invented.

Reliance on special effects is not the only thing "Firefox" borrows from "Star Wars." In one scene, Clint struggles with the thought-controlled plane until his mind replays the words he was taught in training, "You must think in Russian." It sounded suspiciously like, "Use the force, Luke."

Suffice to say, we were glad when the movie ended with Clint flying home in his stolen Soviet fighter.

Did we learn anything from this experience? Yes. We learned even Clint Eastwood can screw up agreeing with guys who smoke cigars and snort coke.

Next up: "Honkytonk Man."

"Any Which Way You Can:' Go ahead, Clint, make some money

2010-10-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Title: Any Which Way You Can
Released: 1980
Genre: Cash-in sequel
Notable for: Clint's final role with an ape
Coolest thing Clint does: Keeps fighting with a broken arm

Clint never lacked interest in money. He created his own production company before such things were common for actors. By Hollywood's insane standards, he became renowned as a tightwad filmmaker. And, as the five Dirty Harry films demonstrate, Clint has no fear of milking a cash cow.

"Any Which Way You Can" is a cow that screams, "Moo, baby!" This sequel to "Any Which Way But Loose" is the same movie, only more so.

Anyone who disliked the 1978 original, a surprise hit that made more money than any other Eastwood movie to that point, will not like the sequel. There is not a shred of what cinema scholars might call "growth," or "thematic exploration," or "humor that is not gross and childish." What the film lacks in class, it makes up for in a wealth of jokes about ape shit on front seats of police cars.

For the millions who liked the original, "Any Which Way You Can" is even better. Newcomers to the experience of watching Clint cavort with an orangutan are advised to start with the sequel.

"Any Which Way You Can" follows the precise formula and has all the same characters as the first film, but some weaknesses are cleaned up.

Clint once again plays a good-natured bare-knuckle brawler who travels with an ape. Again they frequently encounter country music superstars (and, inexplicably, Fats Domino) performing in cheap honkytonk bars. Again Ruth Gordon is the lovably salty old lady. Again Sondra Locke is allowed to sing country music (click here if you must witness the horror). Again Clint's buddy Orville comes along for the ride. And again Clint is pursued by the world's goofiest gang of neo-Nazi bikers.

But this time the story is better for three reasons.

One: Locke's character comes crawling back to Clint and is kept in her place. To the extent the first movie revolved around anything, it revolved around Clint's senseless attraction to the total bitch played by Locke. In the second movie, the love story is mostly abandoned. Locke is more like a piece of scenery eager to screw.

Two: "Every Which Way But Loose" was mostly a collection of gags, and the better and more memorable gags are in the sequel. This movie, not the original, is where Clyde deposits the aforementioned ape shit in police cars and where he punches people outside the truck window. This is where Ruth Gordon goes all moony after getting laid. This is where she also drives to Bakersfield in a tow truck as sparks fly from a disintegrating car hooked on back. This is where Clint, copying Clyde, swings from a light fixture to put Locke in the mood for boinking.

Three: Unlike the original movie, "Any Which Way You Can" has an actual plot that builds to a climax. Even a stupid plot is better than none at all. Mobsters arrange for Clint to fight a dude so fearsome he literally killed his last opponent and crippled the one before that. Clint's friends convince him to cancel the fight, which causes the irate mobsters to seek revenge. They kidnap Locke and Clint agrees to fight after all. A wacky collection of high-rollers from around the country gathers for the fight. Along the way, Clint makes friends with his opponent and, finally, buddies up with the goofy Nazi bikers.

Clint received no Oscar nominations and no boost to his reputation as a serious filmmaker. But that's OK.

We refuse to criticize an artist who chooses to cash in when the opportunity to make money arises. Especially when the cash-in project is better than the original.

Next up: "Firefox."

"Bronco Billy:" Adventures of a kinder and gentler and slightly deranged Clint

2010-10-21T03:17:00.001-07:00

Title: Bronco Billy
Released: 1980
Genre: Pretend cowboys on the road
Notable for: Putting the beat in offbeat
Coolest thing Clint does: Throws knives at Sondra Locke

Neither of us ever watched "Bronco Billy" and we never wanted to watch it. We feared Clint disgraced himself a little with this movie.

Low expectations are well earned. Here is the entire Netflix description: "A ragtag troupe of misfits led by Bronco Billy (Clint Eastwood) perform their hearts out as members of a fly-by-night Wild West show. Billy inspires his entertainers, including Doc Lynch (Scatman Crothers) and Lefty LeBow (Bill McKinney), as they wow crowds with lassos, knife throwing and sharpshooting. Then stranded heiress Antoinette Lilly (Sondra Locke) becomes Billy's assistant, and soon the two are squabbling, scuffling and falling in love."

It sounds bad enough to make a grown man puke.

So we loaded down with Mexican food-like material from Taco Bell and resolved to endure the movie as an inescapable part of the sacred experience that is The Clint Eastwood Project.

Perhaps it does not say much, but "Bronco Billy" is better than we — or anyone with testicles — had a right to expect.

No doubt, this movie is way offbeat for Clint. It must have been hugely disappointing to anyone who entered a theater expecting another silent-tough-guy western. Clint is good with guns, and thwarts a bank robbery, and he handles himself well in a bar fight. But the story is no western and Clint is no tough guy.

For a while, we were puzzled by Clint's character and his "ragtag troupe." First we thought they might be con men, but that was wrong. Then we suspected they were semi-retarded. This was wrong, too. Or at least mostly wrong.

As the story evolves, viewers realize Clint seems weird because he is sincerely but oddly good-hearted and idealistic. He calls people "Pard" and "buckaroo" and tells children to finish their oatmeal. Induced to say grace at an orphanage where his troupe is putting on a free show, Clint asks God to help the orphan cowboys and cowgirls "so they don't get tangled up with hard liquor and cigarettes."

"Clint is mildly deranged," Andrew correctly concluded.

Deep into the movie, it is revealed that Clint and most of his troupe are ex-cons who dream of a better life in the world of cowboy movies from their childhood.

We won't bother to explain the side story of Clint's romance with the bony Sondra Locke because it is predictably disappointing.

Our biggest surprise in "Bronco Billy" is we actually grew fond of the characters. By his standards, Clint's character has an extravagant dose of backstory. We learn he grew up in New Jersey and was a shoe salesman until he shot his cheating wife and did seven years in prison. He dreams to save enough money so he and his troupe can buy a ranch and live real cowboy lives.

Perhaps Clint was encouraged by the success of "Every Which Way But Loose" to think audiences were ready to see him be a nice guy. That's the best explanation for "Bronco Billy."

Clint must have feared his fans were too dense to appreciate the upbeat nature of "Bronco Billy," because he had one character explain the film's message in short sentences.

"Don't you understand what Bronco Billy and the wild west show are all about?" the character asks Locke. "You can be anything you want. All you have to do is go out and become it."

There is nothing wrong with that message, even if it sounds alarmingly close to dime-store psychology someone like Dr. Phil might dispense.

Next up: "Any Which Way You Can."

"Escape from Alcatraz:" Clint is busting out all over!

2010-10-09T04:16:00.000-07:00

Title: Escape from Alcatraz
Released: 1979
Genre: Prison action
Notable for: Clint's last film with Don Siegel
Coolest thing Clint does: Duh! He escapes from Alcatraz

Clint's only prison movie gets off to an uncomfortable start when he shows his naked ass.

"Jee-zuz!" Brad objected. "No one wants to see Clint's ass. The guy was, like, 50 when he made this movie. Not even 50-year-old women want to see a 50-year-old man's ass."

"Clint probably had an ass-double," Andrew theorized. "I bet that's not even his real ass."

"No way. Clint is too cheap to pay an ass double. Clint likes to show his ass."

"What is wrong with you?" Andrew asked. "Take that back."

Mercifully, the ass exposure ends early. For the rest of the movie, including a shower scene, the audience is spared the sight of middle-aged male butts or genitalia.

"Escape from Alcatraz" is based on a true story and shot on the real Alcatraz Island off San Francisco. Clint must like Alcatraz as scenery, because it was also the site of the climax of the third Dirty Harry movie, "The Enforcer."

Despite visual authenticity, "Escape from Alcatraz" has a phoniness common in prison movies. Nearly all the prisoners are good guys and the prison warden is a sadistic prick who enjoys crushing their beautiful spirits. Yeah, sure. This, we guess, is what they call dramatic license.

Clint plays Frank Morris, ringleader of the only escape from Alcatraz. The movie starts with Morris being transferred, bare ass and all, into Alcatraz from a prison in Atlanta.

Even when playing a real person, Clint stays true to typical form by making his character's background a mystery. All we are told about Morris' life is he expects no visitors. When one prisoner learns Morris does not know his own birthday, he says, "Geez, what kind of childhood did you have?" Clint answers, "Short."

Most of the storyline is predictable from the title alone.

Clint discovers the old concrete of Alcatraz is so crumbly it can be chipped away with a nail file around ventilation shafts. He hatches a plan to climb through the shafts to the roof, then shimmy down and float to freedom on rafts made of raincoats.

Elaborate scheming is needed to fool the guards and the evil warden, and this is the basic tension of the movie. Clint and his guys have several close calls but never get caught. This tension is somewhat defused by the fact the audience knows they will not get caught. But it is still entertaining.

Aside from the warden, the only villain in the movie is a big, hulking creep named Wolf who tries to make Clint his prison bitch. While taking a shower, Clint slugs Wolf in the nuts and jams a bar of soap into his mouth. From then on, Wolf is determined to kill Clint. In another non-surprise, he fails.

At the end of the movie, Clint and two other convicts make it to the ocean, float away and are never seen again. No one knows if the real Morris gang drowned (most likely) or made it to freedom, and the movie leaves that question unanswered, too.

"Escape from Alcatraz" turned out to be the end of one chapter in Clint's career. It was his last film directed by Don Siegel. Except for Sergio Leone, director of Clint's spaghetti westerns, Siegel was the director most important to developing Clint's onscreen persona.

It was a fitting end to their partnership: A film that was tight, entertaining, and not taken seriously by serious movie people.

Clint must have been man enough to know by age 50 that he wanted to aim a little higher, bare ass and all.

Next up: "Bronco Billy."

"Every Which Way But Loose:" Nice guys make smash hits

2010-10-02T05:34:00.001-07:00

Title: Every Which Way But Loose
Released: 1978
Genre: Redneck flavored fun
Notable for: Clint co-stars with an ape
Coolest thing Clint does: Never loses a fight unless he wants to

People who compliment Clint on his late-life brush with serious critical acclaim frequently do so by insulting "Every Which Way But Loose."

"Eastwood has sure come a long way from the days when he made movies with monkeys," they say.

We understand their point.

On the surface, "Every Which Way But Loose" must be one of the stupidest movies ever made, and it contains the hideous spectacle of Sondra Locke singing country music.

Clint's character, named Philo Beddoe, is presented as a blue-collar guy, but that's not really correct. Blue-collar guys have jobs. Philo spends his time working on cars in his yard, which is strewn with junk. He makes money betting on himself in bare-knuckle fights staged for wagering purposes. Where we're from, that sort of guy would be called "white trash," not blue collar.

Philo's lifestyle is based on the strange premise that street-corner prize fights are a common American tradition. Every town in the movie has a local champ and a bunch of working-class guys who are ready to gather to bet on a fight. Everyone has heard of Tank Murdock, an unbeatable brawler from Denver.

There is no coherent storyline, so the movie rests on oddball characters and memorable scenes.

Clyde, an orangutan, is Clint's buddy more than his pet. Clyde drinks beer, makes obscene hand gestures and is otherwise incorrigible. Ruth Gordon, who was 82 at the time, played a highly cranky old lady obsessed with getting a driver's license. Miss Gordon's talents were considerable but hearing an old lady say "goddamn" and "horse shit" is not nearly as hilarious in 2010 as it evidently seemed in 1978.

As for plot, there's not much.

Clint meets Sondra Locke, falls for her, she disappears and he drives off in his truck looking for her. Along the way, he makes enemies of the world's goofiest gang of swastika-wearing motorcycle riders and two inept cops. Bent on revenge, both the cops and the bikers follow Clint and Clyde as they follow Locke. Country music bars and singers are frequently encountered to keep the redneck charm flowing. At the end, Clint fights the legendary Tank Murdock, as if the whole movie led up to that climax, which it most certainly does not.

The worse flaw is Clint's inexplicable infatuation with Locke. Her character is, in a word, repulsive. She is selfish, bitchy, annoying, and her costuming while singing onstage in country-music bars seems designed to emphasize that she has the breasts of small boy.

Even the trailer for the movie -- conveniently posted above for your pleasure -- acknowledges that the story is absurd. "It's no joke," the narrator says. "It's Eastwood as you've never seen him before."

Andrew said it better: "A street fighter who has a pet orangutan falls in love with a traveling country music singer, who leaves him while he is chased by bumbling neo-Nazi bikers? What screenwriter could think anyone might buy that script?"

Despite all those flaws, "Every Which Way But Loose" was one of Clint's most popular movies. And it is still fun to watch.

Here's the best explanation for the popularity: For the first time in his career, Clint played a thoroughly likable character and audiences were ready to like him. Philo Beddoe is a good fighter, sure, but not a mean one. He's a nice, average guy looking for happiness in a world full of oddballs and apes.

And, what the hell, it's still a little funny to hear an old lady say off-color things. Look at Betty White.

Nice guys don't always finish last, eh, Clint?

Next up: "Escape from Alcatraz."

"The Gauntlet:" Clint laughs with his fans, not at them (we think)

2010-09-25T04:01:00.000-07:00

Title: The Gauntlet
Released: 1977
Genre: Comic-book cop
Notable for: Making it obvious that Clint had a Yoko
Coolest thing Clint does: Drives a bus through an impossible storm of bullets

Life is full of jokes, and that is our best explanation for what was in Clint's mind when he made "The Gauntlet."

For regular guys, it's like when we pull out a seven-iron for a 210-yard tee shot, or when we pretend the size of our manhood is enormous.

Clint must have found it amusing to make an action film so far beyond believable that the joke is on himself. He becomes a parody of the ultimate action star. At least that's our theory. No matter what Clint had in mind, we're pretty sure he knew his audience would like over-the-top action even it is silly.

Even the movie poster was a ridiculous comic-book styled drawing. A frightened Sondra Locke clings to a ripped and gun-toting Clint (never mind that in the movie she is just as tough as him) with torn clothing revealing flesh seductive enough to qualify as false advertising.

The most basic elements of the plot are standard cop-movie stuff. Clint is a Phoenix detective sent to Las Vegas to retrieve a jail prisoner needed to testify in a trial. He becomes a target for mobsters and police who want his prisoner dead. The prisoner is a woman, and a romance develops.

It sounds like something Dirty Harry could do, but this time Clint is no Dirty Harry. His cop is a drunken loser chosen for the assignment because no one would doubt he could screw it up enough to wind up dead.

Clint eventually figures out his boss expects him to fail. Making it all the way back to Phoenix becomes a personal test of manhood. At the end, he delivers his prisoner to the courthouse by driving a bus reinforced with sheet metal past a gauntlet of cops who open fire.

Action movies never bear up well to strict scrutiny for realism, but "The Gauntlet" makes no effort to appear plausible. So many scenes and story lines are flat-out impossible that Clint had to be laughing. Here are just five examples.

1. Early on, cops open fire on Clint when he is inside Sondra's ranch-style house. They pump out so many bullets the structure collapses. That's a lot of bullets. Luckily Clint and Sondra escape through the secret tunnel that leads from her house into the desert.

2. Vegas casinos take bets on whether Clint and Sondra will make it alive to Phoenix. When the odds are 100-1 against them, Sondra bets $5,000 that they'll make it.

3. Cops are portrayed as mindless robots who gather in large numbers to murder anyone their boss wants dead. Except at the very end, whey they all inexplicably grow a pair and defy orders.

4. The prosecutor is in on the conspiracy to murder his witness, which raises the question: Why did he file the case at all?

5. In the climactic final scene, hundreds of cops fire at Clint's reinforced bus from both sides of a city street, apparently too dumb to notice the danger of cross-fire.

There is much more, but you get the idea.

In real life, "The Gauntlet" ushered in Clint's "girlfriend-movie period." His ill-fated romance with Locke had come to full bloom, and she would become a frequent co-star despite limited box-office appeal. Clint would earn the same sort of pussy-whipped reputation John Lennon received for putting Yoko on "The White Album."

It's good Clint was able to laugh at himself. That's a talent that comes in handy in movies and real life.

Next up: "Every Which Way But Loose."

"The Enforcer:" The manly appeal of a world where no one is screwed over without violent retribution

2010-09-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Title: The Enforcer
Released: 1976
Genre: Dirty Harry, part 3
Notable for: Tyne Daly and the beginning of Clint's questionable reputation as a feminist filmmaker
Coolest thing Clint does: Drives a car into a liquor store with guns blazing

Deep, black despair has clouded our perspective since a despicable fraud was committed last weekend in the corrupt city of Chicago.

Our beloved Detroit Lions started a new season in strange and unfamiliar style — with victory — by beating the Chicago Bears 21-19. Millions of television viewers saw Calvin Johnson catch the winning touchdown in the waning seconds of the game.

Oh, we were happy. We danced around our living room, sang the sacred Lions fight song ("Gridiron Heroes") and called Jay Cutler names like "crybaby" and "douchebag."

Then it happened. Under the influence of either Satan or a large bribe, the referees invented a rule and pretended it was violated by the Lions. They pretended the winning touchdown never happened due to some gibberish about the "process" of catching a football.

The usual futility, stupidity and ineptitude make it difficult enough to go through life as Lions fans. Adding larceny to the list is too much to bear.

Our despair was still strong when we sat down to watch the one man who never gets screwed like the Lions: Dirty Harry Callahan in "The Enforcer."

By this third installment of the Dirty Harry series, we know what to expect.

1. Clint carries a huge pistol and blows away scumbag maniacs in spectacular style. Check.
2. He has disdain for superior officers who are either spineless or evil. Check.
3. Unnecessary nudity and/or a kinky sex scene is unexpectedly but briefly stumbled upon. Check.
4. Harry's partners are jinxed. Double check.
5. Against all odds, the bad guys lose in the end. Check (of course).

We like that kind of stuff. How about you?

The basic storyline pits Harry against a gang of homicidal radical terrorists like the Symbionese Liberation Army, a militant group famous in the mid 1970s for kidnapping and brainwashing heiress Patty Hearst.

The creeps kidnap the mayor of San Francisco and demand ransom. Harry and his new partner track them down on Alcatraz Island, which they invade and conquer with bullets and shoulder-fired rockets. Clint does not care about the mayor, who is a douchebag, but he has a revenge-seeking hatred for the gang of radicals because they killed one of his many dead partners.

As is true for many Clint movies, the plot is not everything. Here are some highlights.

Funniest scene: Clint is transferred to the personnel department as punishment for being too violent in his police work. "Personnel," he says, "that's for assholes!" To which his sniveling, brown-nosing boss says, "I was in personnel for 10 years."

Best action: Three trigger-happy robbers are holed up in a liquor store with hostages. They demand a car from police. "What are you going to do?" Clint's partner asks. "Give them one," Clint says. Then he drives through the front of the store, dodging a shotgun blast, and shoots all three perps. The last one is intentially shot in the crotch from behind while running away, and he falls to the floor grabbing his nuts with both hands.

Best actor sighting: We nearly went crazy trying to place the actor who plays a black militant leader and reluctant informer who helps Dirty Harry. First we thought it was Jim Brown, the great football player turned marginal actor. But it was not Jim Brown. It was what's-his-name, the guy who played the bank robber who heard the first "Do I feel lucky?" speech in the original "Dirty Harry."

The most obvious way "The Enforcer" is different from earlier Dirty Harry films is Clint has a chick for a partner. It's Tyne Daly, later of the "Cagney and Lacey" television show. Clint is appalled to receive a female partner, but she wins his respect and, it seems, affection. There is no love scene, but you get the idea they would eventually hump like otters except Tyne gets shot dead at the end. Dirty Harry looks like he wants to cry.

"Men appreciate more than killing," Andrew reflected.

Oddly enough, Clint was lauded in certain feminist quarters for "The Enforcer." The bra-burners praised him for presenting a strong female character who overcame prejudice to prove her worth as a cop and a friend. Maybe feminism is what Clint had in mind, but we sincerely doubt it.

Dirty Harry was no feminist. He was hugely popular because, regardless of race or gender, he hated no one except people who deserved hatred. And because in his perfect world injustice was always punished by, at minimum, a bullet to the testicles.

We needed a man like that in Chicago last week.

Next up: "The Gauntlet."

"The Outlaw Josey Wales:" An American icon without pancakes

2010-09-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Title: The Outlaw Josey Wales
Released: 1976
Genre: Western when westerns weren't cool
Notable for: Being maybe the best Clint Eastwood movie ever
Coolest thing Clint does: Kills a lowlife bounty hunter, then spits tobacco juice on his forehead

We regret a serious delay in The Clint Eastwood Project caused by the disruption of a family vacation to the city that may best represent everything people love and hate about the United States of America: Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

Gatlinburg's natural beauty, breathtaking over-commercialism, excess consumption and cheesy roadside attractions form a scene like Wisconsin Dells times five or Niagra Falls on steroids. For miles, half the businesses are Ripley's Believe it or Not museums, hillbilly-themed gift shops, and dinner theaters featuring live animals. The rest are pancake houses. Gatlinburg evidently passed a city ordinance requiring every able-bodied citizen to eat pancakes.

Every time we ventured out of that madhouse and onto the side trails in the neighboring Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which is profoundly beautiful, we were surprised to see almost no people.

"Where is everyone?" I asked. Andrew's theory: "They're all looking for pancakes."

Our single biggest disappointment in Gatlinburg was not the rampant over-commercialism or the widespread incidence of morbid obesity. It was the choice of exhibits in the so-called "Hollywood Wax Museum."

Andrew and I eagerly strolled through the gallery of wax figures looking for you-know-who. We figured to take each other's photograph standing next to Clint, maybe saying things like, "Go ahead, make my day."

Inexplicably, Clint was not there. The place was full of second-string Hollywood luminaries like Pierce Brosnan and Owen Wilson -- but no Clint. You better believe we left a sharply worded comment card in the suggestion box.

So it was a pleasure to return home and enjoy another iconic American experience known as Clint Eastwood in "The Outlaw Josey Wales," directed by Clint Eastwood.

Anyone with the slightest interest in Clint has probably already seen "The Outlaw Josey Wales" and considers it one of his best movies. If he released the exact same film today, it would be nominated (at least) for a best-picture Oscar. But he released it in 1976, when westerns were out of fashion and Clint Eastwood was not considered serious.

The basic story is Clint is a peaceful farmer who seeks bloody revenge after his wife and child are murdered during the Civil War by an irregular outfit of marauding Union sympathizers. When Mel Gibson made the same movie and set it in Scotland, he won an Oscar. That was "Braveheart." Gibson enjoyed it so much he made the same movie again, set it in colonial America, and called it "The Patriot."

Clint becomes an outlaw for refusing to make peace with the Union after the war. He is gruff and deadly, but never kills anyone except in self-defense, although sometimes it's rather eager self-defense.

Unlike most of Clint's westerns, he forms friendships with a collection of rag-tag outcasts. This is one of the first movies to treat Indian characters as real people who are interesting and even funny. Chief Dan George is superb as the "civilized" Indian who, like Clint, turns against the government because of wrongs to his family.

In the end, it is a story not just of murder and revenge. It is a story of murder, revenge and redemption. Plus great spitting!

Clint spits tobacco juice with such enthusiasm and expertise it is almost a form of dialogue. For one outstanding example, he unloads a gob on the white suit of a carpetbagger attempting to sell bottles of miracle elixir. "How is it on stains?" Clint asks.

Several more Immortal Clint Lines are sprinkled through the movie. Most notable is his classic response to a bounty hunter who says he came after Clint in order to make a living. "Dying ain't much of a living, boy," Clint says.

To summarize: Great story, great action, great spitting and classic lines. We even see a glimpse of Sondra Locke's boob and ass, although we are not sure we want to.

God bless America and God bless Clint.

Next up: "The Enforcer."

"The Eiger Sanction:" Give a guy credit for balls of steel

2010-08-07T06:24:00.001-07:00

Title: The Eiger Sanction
Released: 1975
Genre: Spy thriller
Notable for: Clint climbs mountains
Coolest thing Clint does: Dangles (for real) on a rope off a sheer rock face

Nothing sounds much stupider than the idea of Clint Eastwood playing a mountain-climbing assassin spy. The stupidity factor explains why neither of us ever watched "The Eiger Sanction" until compelled by the noble yet absurd duty of completing The Clint Eastwood Project.

Expectations were low, but we were both pleasantly surprised.

"Definitely worth watching," Andrew says. It is a passably interesting spy story sprinkled with gratuitous female nudity, humor now very politically incorrect, and legitimately striking mountain sequences.

Forgive us for being slightly confused about whether we are supposed to take the spy stuff entirely seriously. Much of it is more like "Get Smart" than James Bond. The spy boss is a "bloodless albino" far beyond eccentric. His right-hand man is an obnoxious tool who breaks out ridiculous karate skills to fight Clint. Clint's lifelong enemy is a swishy guy with a homicidal streak and a beefy bodyguard.

The story starts with Clint, a college art-history professor, being both blackmailed and bribed out of retirement and back into the employ of a shadowy spy network. His specialty is assassination, or "sanctions." Clint is the only man for the job because he has mountain-climbing experience and one of two enemy agents to be killed is going on a expedition up the Eiger in Switzerland.

Clint's character is somewhat urbane and very jaded. He has disdain for his students, his spy network and even his country. In his assassin's view, America conducts itself no better than its enemies.

We suppose his character is also intended to be hip and worldly because he enjoys interracial love and his nemesis is a gay guy played by Jack Cassidy. The hipness falls flat but we laughed at the jokes because they are full of stereotypes no one would put on film now. Cassidy's gay character has a lapdog named "Faggot." Clint's main love interest is a "black chick" named Jemima. "Maybe your mother was turned on by pancakes," he tells her in allegedly flirty banter. He also has sex with a Native American girl who never says a word, as if the white fathers have not taught her their tongue. Clint himself puts on a stereotypical "cupcake" lisp as a disguise in one scene. We gather it was considered a hoot just to see Clint pretend to be gay.

Clint, as director and lead actor, was mostly interested in the mountain-climbing stuff. That's what makes the movie.

His character works to get back into mountaineering shape by looking up an old friend who runs a mountain-climbing school in the desert. The old friend is played by George Kennedy in his second Eastwood film in a row. For another return appearances, this is the third film in a row that shows Clint drinking Olympia beer. Malpaso must have had a product-placement deal with Olympia, because no one liked that beer that much.

Conveniently, Kennedy's mountain-climbing school has been transformed into a resort full of beautiful young women do nothing but lounge around in bikinis. Clint's trainer is the Native American girl who can run like the wind up mountains. To encourage Clint to keep up, she pulls ahead and pops her top to show her boobs. So there is some great film-making here.

Twists and turns of the spy story seem of secondary importance by the time they get on the Eiger. Clint and some other actors really went up on the mountain (helped by helicopters). They shot real climbing scenes and many of their own stunts. That stuff was real: One crew member was killed an another was seriously injured by a rock slide during production.

Mountain-climbers gave the film props for authenticity, despite a couple of gaffes only an expert would notice. Expert credentials are not necessary to see that, no matter how safely the stunts were staged, Clint had balls to do it.

Any real man respects a guy with balls. It's difficult to imagine any filmmaker today doing what Clint did to make this movie.

Next up: "The Outlaw Josey Wales."

"Thunderbolt and Lightfoot:" No pigeon holes here

2010-07-31T04:19:00.000-07:00

Title: Thunderbolt and Lightfoot
Released: 1974
Genre: Offbeat crime caper
Notable for: Oscar nomination for best supporting actor
Coolest thing Clint does: Blows into bank vault with 20 mm cannon

Ten minutes into the film, Andrew's friend Preston looked up from his tacos and uttered four words that must have been spoken many times by Clint Eastwood fans.

"I don't get it," the kid said.

Just when Clint seemed securely pigeon-holed as the quiet but deadly cowboy/cop, he put out a movie that is completely different. It worked because "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot" is very entertaining and maybe even very good.

Here are some ways this is no regular Clint Eastwood movie: Everyone around Clint dies but he kills no one; people shoot at him repeatedly but runs instead of shooting back; as far as we know, he doesn't even have a gun; he is likable and smiles several times; by his standards, Clint has character growth and dialogue; and for maybe the first time ever, Clint plays a character who is supposed to be his real age, a Korean War veteran slightly past his prime.

Told you it was different.

It is difficult to describe the movie in any way that gives it justice. Clint basically leads a gang of robbers in an elaborate caper, but the story is punctuated by enough weird interludes that the overall flavor resembles a "Road Runner" cartoon.

At the start of the film, Clint is a soft-spoken preacher, for Christ's sake, delivering a sermon in slick-backed hair. Only a few moments are required to determine things are not as they appear. A dude walks into the church and starts shooting at the preacher. Clint runs away and flags down a passing car. It's a freshly-stolen vehicle driven by Jeff Bridges, who plays Lightfoot.

Lightfoot is, to put it mildly, a free spirit. He has a silly laugh, an abundance of self-confidence, mad driving skills and an engaging smile. A friendship and man-to-man affection develop, and Clint and Jeff become road buddies.

Clint is pursued by former colleagues who think he double-crossed them on an earlier robbery. They broke into a bank vault with a cannon, a crime famous enough that newspapers nicknamed Clint "The Thunderbolt." Loot from the robbery was hidden in a one-room schoolhouse but surviving gang members mistakenly believe Clint took it. They tracked him down when he was laying low by pretending to be a preacher.

Clint and Bridges go to the schoolhouse to get the money but discover the building is gone. It has been replaced by a new school. "Progress, I guess," Clint says.

Two surviving members of the old gang, led by a brutal mug played by George Kennedy, eventually track down Clint and Bridges. They are ready to execute them when instead the four decide to try the old robbery a second time.

An elaborate caper ensues, featuring an extended scene with Bridges in drag. The robbery appears to be a success, but it unravels quickly. One robber is shot by cops. Kennedy decides to take the money himself, but first he knocks Clint unconscious and gives Bridges a savage beating. Kennedy ends up being eaten by a dog, which seems fair.

Luck turns better for Clint and Bridges when they happen upon the old schoolhouse and find it still contains money from the first robbery. The school was not torn down, as they assumed, but moved to become a historical museum.

A happy ending is not in the cards.

Bridges is still messed up from the beating given by George Kennedy. Trying to smoke a victory cigar in the front seat of a Cadillac convertible, Bridges starts speaking to Clint with half of his face, like a stroke victim. He dies right there in the Caddy. Clint throws away the cigar and drives on.

"That was incredibly sad," Andrew said.

Clint brought the star-power to the billing but it is impossible to watch the film and think of him as the main man. Other actors, including two previous and future Oscar winners, were more compelling. Kennedy was great playing the dangerous guy. Bridges received an Oscar nomination as best supporting actor for his kick-ass portrayal of Lightfoot. He lost out to Robert DeNiro in "Godfather II," so we won't argue with the academy on that call. Brief and quirky appearances by character actors like Dub Tayor and the guy who played the "Squeal Like a Pig" rapist in "Deliverance" make a big impression.

If Clint consciously allowed other actors to outshine him, he deserves credit. That's something few mega-stars do.

A real man does not allow himself to be pigeon-holed. Clint, in his later films, made that obvious. Now we get it.

Next up: "The Eiger Sanction."

"Magnum Force" and meeting the burdens of manly obligations

2010-07-24T04:59:00.001-07:00

Title: Magnum Force
Released: 1973
Genre: Cop versus cop
Notable for: First of one too many "Dirty Harry" sequels
Coolest thing Clint does: Girl: "What does a girl have to do to go to bed with you?" Clint: "Try knocking on the door."

Right in the middle of watching the return of Dirty Harry Callahan in "Magnum Force," we were struck by a crisis of masculine obligations.

Candace, Brad's wife and Andrew's mother, came home, walked in the door and said, "Help."

The manly code says we are obligated to assist a woman who asks for help. But, for God's sake, Dirty Harry was on a rampage. Brad looked up from the screen. "Did you say help?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "there's something wrong with my car!"

Damn. Car trouble. The final holdover of what used to be called man stuff. Brad ran to the garage but Andrew kept watching "Magnum Force." He did not even hit the pause button out of courtesy. He knows the code well. You have to assist a woman in need, but not if someone else does first.

Less than two minutes passed before Brad returned, having fulfilled the age-old obligation of opening the hood and peering inside. "Your serpentine belt came off," he told Candace. "Did I miss any killings or boobs?" he asked Andrew.

Thus all laws of gender relations were fulfilled. Sometimes it's hard to be a man.

"Magnum Force" features the return of Dirty Harry without bothering to mention how Harry is a cop again. Clint threw his badge into a pond at the end of the first movie, before anyone realized a spree of sequels was coming.

Oh, well. Clint's fans didn't care and we don't either. "Magnum Force" is, again, a fast-paced series of unlikely action sequences but with a higher body count and more gratuitous nudity than the original. One walk-on homicide victim is a bimbo who takes off her bikini top at a pool party moments before she is blown away by the bad guys. Nice screenwriting there.

The story is pretty simple. A bunch of gangsters and lowlifes are blown away by motorcycle cops, and Clint uncovers a death squad of young hot-shots operating within the San Francisco Police Department. The only real surprise is his that Hal Holbrook, Clint's by-the-book superior officer, turns out to be the ring-leader.

The cast is full of future semi-stars including Robert Urich (Spenser: For Hire), David Soul (Hutch), and Tim Matheson. No matter how well Matheson played a killer cop, we could not look at him without seeing Otter from "Animal House," a movie made five years later. Toga!

Early in the original "Dirty Harry," Clint thwarts a bank robbery while eating a hot dog. In "Magnum Force," he thwarts an airplane hijacking while eating a hamburger. Both movies climax with a chase-slash-showdown in some sort of mining facility. "Magnum Force" also appears to try giving Clint a cool catch phrase. "A man's got to know his limitations" lacks the charm of "Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?"

Despite that, "Magnum Force" clearly was intended to be different than the original. It tried, somewhat awkwardly, to put to rest the criticism that "Dirty Harry" was a fascist.

A death squad within the police department, as any fool can see, now those are some real fascists. And Harry fought them to the death. He turns down an invitation to join the death squad. "I am afraid you've misjudged me," Clint says to the bad guy on screen and to movie critics in the audience.

This stuff eventually produces what may be the longest and most ham-handed line Dirty Harry ever utters.

"I hate the goddam system," Clint tells Hal Holbrook. "But until someone comes along with some changes that make sense, I'll stick with it."

It seems silly that Clint felt the need to make sure everyone knows Dirty Harry is a true-blue American. But we guess he had his own manly obligations. When people call a guy a fascist, he must to do something to shut them up.

Next up: "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot."

"High Plains Drifter:" Sometimes weird is good, Duke

2010-07-17T05:42:00.001-07:00

Title: High Plains Drifter
Released: 1973
Genre: Western ghost story
Notable for: Clint's first time directing a western
Coolest thing Clint does: Blasts three assholes from a barber chair

John Wayne was so disturbed by "High Plains Drifter" he sent a letter to Clint Eastwood complaining that the real west was nothing like the eerie and cruel place depicted in this movie. The real west was full of good people who pulled together to tame a wilderness, Wayne said. They were not cutthroats and cowards with no sense of decency.

To which we say: Who the hell cares?

"High Plains Drifter" was released when Brad was the same age Andrew is now. It immediately became his favorite Clint Eastwood movie and he is not sure that has ever changed. Andrew, for once, does not argue with his father on this point. "It's damn good," he says.

For starters, Clint's distinguished career of threatening grimaces, squints and low growls may have peaked in this film. He speaks every line in a menacing, hoarse half-whisper. No one messes with him without paying dearly. He humiliates, kills and rapes.

If we didn't like that stuff, this blog might be called "The Julie Andrews Project."

The thing John Wayne evidently could not appreciate is that Clint, who directed, did not try to make a story about the real West.

Our Netflix envelope credits "High Plains Drifter" for "existentialism." We're not exactly sure what that means, and we're too lazy to look it up. But we know Clint did a masterful job of using bleak visual images and eerie music to enhance a nightmarish and other-worldly story.

The film begins with Clint riding into a dreary town called Lago. He needs only a few minutes to kill three men who deserve it and rape a woman who likes it. We're pretty sure the rape scene -- or at least the part about the woman enjoying it -- would be too offensive to use in a movie today. But what are you going to do? This was made in 1973, not today.

Weird stuff begins right away. Clint, the ultimate mysterious stranger who will not tell anyone his name, has a dream about a man being whipped in a dusty street. It turns out the whole town has a dirty secret. Everyone stood by and watched as a former sheriff was whipped to death by goons hired by the local mining company.

The sheriff, in flashbacks, looks up through his dying eye at townspeople who do not lift a finger to help and says, "Damn you to hell." That's foreshadowing!

Town residents hire Clint to protect them from three desperadoes about to be released from territorial prison. These are the same three guys who whipped the sheriff to death. For some reason never made plain, the town framed all three on a robbery charge and now the killers want revenge.

Clint accepts the job on the condition that the town must give him anything he wants. He plunders the wares of merchants and makes a midget sheriff and mayor. He orders residents to paint every building bright red and renames the town Hell. He installs a banner welcoming the killers home and sets up a big table as if throwing a party.

At the end, Clint kills all three bad guys as the town burns down. Hell, indeed. As the last scumbag dies, he yells at Clint, "Who are you?"

That question is still treated with remarkable uncertainty. Richard Schickel, who has written extensively about Clint, contends his character's identity in "High Plains Drifter" remains a mystery. The New York Times overview (brace yourself, liberals) starts off by misquoting the ending of the film in a way that makes it more ambiguous.

Come on experts, this is no mystery.

In one scene, a woman says the murdered sheriff was buried in an unmarked grave. "They say the dead don't rest without a marker of some kind," she says.

In the final scene, the midget carves a grave marker.

"I never did know your name," he tells Clint. "Yes, you do," Clint says.

Then the camera focuses on the name on the grave marker. It's the name of the murdered sheriff. Clint rides away and literally disappears in the haze.

Those clues are obvious, not subtle. Clint is the ghost of the dead sheriff, come to bring justice to both the men who killed him and the town that let it happen.

It is a great film with the ultimate manly message that no bad deed goes unpunished. If John Wayne did not like it, that was his loss.

Next up: "Magnum Force."

"Joe Kidd:" The power of Clint Eastwood moments

2010-07-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

Title: Joe Kidd
Released: 1972
Genre: Bloody-justice western
Notable for: Clint versus Robert Duvall in death struggle
Coolest thing Clint does: Too many to choose just one

Any male who enjoyed Clint Eastwood back in the days when his films were still more likely to feature apes than win Oscars must be a male who likes "Joe Kidd."

We imagine that during the creative process everyone got together and said, "Hey! Screw Elmore Leonard's script! Why don't we make a Clint Eastwood movie with lots of Clint Eastwood stuff that all Clint Eastwood fans will love!"

The result is a western with a loathsome villain played marvelously by Robert Duvall and Clint as a hero who knows how to do everything and is afraid of nothing.

The story is secondary to a string of what people now call "Clint Eastwood moments." Clint bashes a pan into a guy's face, he shoots a scumbag with a shotgun without looking up from his beer, he make an immediate move for Duvall's pet whore, he opens the door of a mission tower just at the right moment to make a bad guy fall to his death, he bashes another bad guy by swinging a clay pot from the tower, he single-handedly stops the execution of five innocent people, he plugs a guy with one shot from a long-range sniper rifle, he drives a train into a bar and opens fire, he blows Duvall away with a slight trace of a smile and he belts the town marshall in the jaw.

Reviewers were not impressed but we are incapable of disliking a film like that.

The film starts with Clint, dressed in funny-looking city dude clothes, in jail for small stuff -- poaching, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Taken to court, he chooses 10 days in jail over a $10 fine.

Quickly it is revealed that Clint is no city dude. He is a man with (as usual) a dangerous and somewhat mysterious past.

Duvall, a rich cattle baron, rides into town with a gang of homicidal psychopaths to hunt down and murder Luis Chama, rabble-rouser for Mexican property rights. Duvall knows Clint was once an expert man-hunter, whatever that means. He bails Clint out of jail and hires him to help track down Chama.

Clint first refuses, saying, "I haven't got anything against Luis Chama." He changes his mind when Chama's men mess with Clint's own ranch.

Quickly it becomes clear that Duvall is the real villain, not Chama. Duvall is a prick who orders everyone around, including hotel keepers and the town marshall. One great touch is the way Duvall consistently mispronounces Chama's name. Either intentionally or ignorantly, he's so arrogant he fails to know his enemy.

Duvall's role in "Joe Kidd" is not the most famous in his career, or even the year 1972. But he is an actor who always plays one great cowboy.

Once he believes he has the upper hand on Chama, Duvall double-crosses Clint and takes him captive. This is a major mistake.

Clint eventually kills all the bad guys and convinces Chama to give himself up, trusting the courts to settle his land grievances.

Leaving aside some highly unlikely action sequences -- like the train that just happens to be all warmed up and empty, sitting in a spot where the tracks just happen to end outside a bar where the bad guys hang out, and Clint just happens to know how to drive a train -- the plot takes some dumb twists to make Clint a supporter of Mexican land rights.

Duvall inexplicably "fires" Clint and takes him captive even though he knows he is a dangerous man. We can imagine Duvall might try to screw him on money later, but his character is arrogant, not stupid. He would not make Clint an active enemy before the killing is finished.

It makes even less sense when Clint urges Chama to give himself up and fight his case in court. Clint was in jail at the start of the movie for attempting to piss on the courthouse. He does not seem to be a man with great faith in the justice system.

Oh well. The Clint Eastwood moments are what make the film.

Note to Clint's people: Eastwood has made several sequels in his career, but never a sequel to one of his westerns. It's not too late, dudes.

Josey Wales would make a good sequel but Joe Kidd would be better. That character is less defined, thus more flexible. Joe Kidd's time had mostly passed when the original film was made. His man-hunting days were over and he was trying, with mixed success, to fit into a more civilized society. Today Clint could play Joe Kidd in about 1930, trying to cope with a completely changed world. The possibilities are rich.

Just a thought.

The manly appeal of "Joe Kidd" is obvious. Clint can take charge of any situation without fear and with certain success. No one is like that in real life, but it is fun to imagine. This the distilled essence of Clint's appeal to male audiences. No one ever needs to tell him to man up.

Next up: "High Plains Drifter."

"Dirty Harry:" The thing about fascists

2010-06-26T03:57:00.001-07:00

Title: Dirty Harry
Released: 1971
Genre: Rogue cop story
Notable for: Taking Clint from star to icon
Coolest thing Clint does: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

A certain segment of movie critics squirted a big stain on Clint's career by calling "Dirty Harry" a fascist film.

Our guess is many of these critics were motivated by resentment because they spent the better part of a decade dismissing Clint as a bad actor who made bad films that appealed to stupid audiences. "Dirty Harry" instantly transformed Clint into something bigger than a movie star.

The movie had such cultural impact that in Brad's day, perhaps half the young males alive could recite Clint's speech about the .44 magnum being the most powerful handgun in the world. If a buddy tried to take a man's last beer, or commit some equally objectionable offense, there was a good chance the man would warn him off by saying, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" That wasn't even the real line from the film, but, like "Play it again, Sam," it should have been.

"Dirty Harry" is first and foremost a great cop story with lots of action. Harry kicks major ass. Scorpio, the villain, is so weirdly evil he is almost a comic-book character, but that's OK.

The main storyline follows Clint's pursuit of Scorpio, a demented serial killer who tries to blackmail the city of San Francisco into paying him. Eventually the gutless mayor wants to pay. Clint, a homicide cop, surmises Scorpio will never stop killing because he enjoys it too much.

Along the way, Clint stumbles into random situations like a bank robbery and a suicide attempt. Humor is thrown in, like the famous early scene where Clint keeps munching a hot dog during a shootout with the bank robbers.

Dirty Harry Callahan is not a sensitive cop. For one of many examples, he prevents the potential suicide by explaining to the guy what a mess he'll make -- arms and legs everywhere -- after he jumps off a ledge. He is disgusted to learn his new partner, Chico, has a sociology degree. It is fair to say Dirty Harry was politically incorrect years before the term was invented, but that's a far cry from fascism.

The fascist charge was perhaps based partly on a false premise that Dirty Harry is a racist. Early on, a fellow cop explains that Callahan hates everyone equally -- and then he elaborates with a long list of racial slurs to describe all the people Harry hates. But Clint never uses any slurs except when he calls Chico a "spick," and that seemed a test to see how he would react. He really does treat everyone equally.

The main evidence cited for fascism is Dirty Harry ignores constitutional protections like Miranda warnings, search warrants and the right to an attorney in his pursuit of Scorpio. By the end, Callahan violates direct orders to stop "harassing" Scorpio.

If the movie deserves criticism on this political ground, the real offense was making the law-enforcement system appear neutered by its concern for the rights of the accused. After Clint catches Scorpio, a prosecutor and judge lecture Harry for violating his rights. They say Clint contaminated all the evidence with illegal police methods so Scorpio is released. "I couldn't convict him of spitting on the sidewalk," the judge says.

This is bullshit.

For one thing, Scorpio shot Chico, a crime worse than spitting on a sidewalk, and Clint contaminated no evidence in that case. More importantly, anyone who knows anything about the American justice system knows no cop-shooting serial killer would have been released in 1971 (or now), even if excuses for police misconduct had to be, shall we say, fashioned imaginatively.

The worst thing Clint does to Scorpio is step on a wound to force him to reveal where a young girl was buried alive. The prosecutor calls this "torture" but in real life damn few prosecutors would refuse to look the other way under those circumstances.

Dirty Harry did none of those things for the sheer thrill of applying police force. He did it to stop Scorpio, with or without search warrants or the blessing of his bosses.

In the final scene, Callahan even resigns from the police state by throwing his badge away, clearly unaware four sequels were coming.

Stupid audiences grasped the true lesson of "Dirty Harry:" A real man is guided by his sense of right and wrong, not orders from above.

That, as the records from Nuremberg show, is the opposite of a fascist.

Next up: "Joe Kidd."

"Play Misty for Me" and the invention of the homicidal psycho-stalker bitch

2010-06-19T03:56:00.000-07:00

Title: Play Misty for Me
Released: 1971
Genre: Knife-wielding psychotic suspense
Notable for: Clint's directorial debut
Coolest thing Clint does: Face-punches deranged chick through a window and over a cliff

Three-quarters of the way through "Play Misty for Me," serious analysis was suspended for a bitter fashion dispute that separates men from boys.

It happened when Clint was chased from bed in his underwear by a knife-wielding stalker. He wore white cotton briefs. You could almost see grapes and apples on the elastic waistband.

"Haa!" Andrew snorted. "Tighty-whities are for wuss bags."

It made no sense to counter by pointing out that in 1971 every man wore briefs. It made no sense to explain that until the Bill Clinton administration, when the annoying question "boxers or briefs?" was invented, society assumed no men wore boxer shorts. It made no sense to develop well-reasoned arguments.

"Pussies wear boxers," Brad said.

"You can't be serious, old man," Andrew said. "Tighty-whities are ridiculous. No one younger than, like, 80 wears them."

"Do you know what's ridiculous?" Brad asked. "It's ridiculous that any man can wear boxer shorts four inches higher than his pants without realizing only a pussy wants other people to see his underwear. What kind of man even cares about underwear? A metro-sexual wanna-be gay guy, that's what kind."

"Make sure we put this in the blog so everyone can realize how old and stupid you really are," Andrew said.

Done and done!

The movie itself was received more enthusiastically in our living room. It is the first Clint Eastwood suspense film, and we say he pulled it off well.

"Play Misty for Me" was first received by critics as a mediocre attempt at Hitchcockism, but its reputation has grown over time. It is now often credited for inventing the "Fatal Attraction" genre. Jessica Walter's marvelous portrayal of the spurned lover turned psycho-stalker reminded Andrew of Kathy Bates in "Misery." Bates won an Oscar and she had nothing on Walters in the scary-freak department.

The storyline is simple.

Clint plays a radio disc jockey and Walter is a big fan. After a couple romps of what Clint believes is meaningless sex, Walters shows herself to be deranged. She gets weirder and weirder until, inevitably, she tries to kill Clint and the woman he really loves.

By his measure, Clint's character is a wimp. After Walter ransacks his house and nearly kills his housekeeper, he never even gets a gun, for God's sake.

On the surface, this is similar to "The Beguiled" because Clint is attacked by a woman scorned. But it is a far more conventional film. In "Play Misty for Me," Clint does nothing to deserve retribution. He even tries to turn down sex with Walter when he meets her, saying he does not want to "complicate my life,"

"Neither do I," Walter responds, "but that's no reason why we shouldn't sleep together tonight."

Well, what do you expect a man to do? Clint is clearly the good guy and the good guy wins in the end.

"Play Misty for Me" was the first film Clint directed, and we have just two quibbles. The movie is set in Carmel, California, the town where Clint lived and was later elected mayor, and it includes an interlude at the Monterey Jazz Festival with no apparent point except to impress the Chamber of Commerce. Also, Clint interrupted the flow of his suspense story with a prolonged love sequence set to the entire song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." Except for the side-boob shots, we found this sappy. But it launched singer Roberta Flack to stardom, so maybe we are wrong.

Walter was marvelous, but one point should be made about the character-type she invented: The murderous psycho-bitch is big in movies, not real life.

Men share stories about nutty ex-lovers, but usually they involve acts like cutting up his underwear (boxers or briefs) and decorating her Christmas tree with the shreds. When real-life love leads to murder -- especially murder-suicide -- it is almost always the man who turns homicidal.

Still, Clint's message for manhood is pretty obvious here. Watch out where you take your pleasure, boys, because some of these ladies are crazy.

Next up (drum roll, please): "Dirty Harry."

"The Beguiled" and the, um, limitations of human nature

2010-06-12T04:47:00.000-07:00

Title: The Beguiled
Released: 1971
Genre: Uh, passion play, maybe?
Notable for: A cornucopia of sexual taboos
Coolest thing Clint does: Gets juices flowing inside every woman in sight (sorry, there's slim pickings for coolness here)

We theorize that decades before cell phones were invented, current texting jargon originated with movie audiences that watched "The Beguiled."

Millions of Clint Eastwood fans walked out of theaters, looked quizzically at each other, and said, "WTF?"

WTF, indeed.

Before The Clint Eastwood Project, we never heard of "The Beguiled." As we watched the film for the first time while enjoying morsels of beef-like material from Arbys, we could only assume Clint intentionally tried to shock and perhaps disturb his audience.

It is a dark movie in every way, including the literal one. So many scenes were shot in near-complete blackness that we worried something was wrong with our TV.

Sexual repression and violence are the themes, with elements of taboos including pedophilia, incest, lesbianism, wanton promiscuity and a three-way sex fantasy. Considering the era, we should probably include inter-racial lust, too.

It may not be a bad movie, but we were too puzzled to know for sure. With all that sex, it certainly held our interest.

The story is set in the Civil War, and it starts when a 12-year-old girl discovers Clint, a severely wounded Union soldier, behind enemy lines in the South.

Sixty seconds into the film comes the first scene that is probably too pervy to be shot today. Hiding in bushes with the girl, Clint -- who was 40 when the movie was made -- declares her "old enough for kisses" and plants a big one right on her mouth.

Shreds of Arbys fell from the corners of our lips as we sputtered in disbelief.

Clint's rescuer takes him back to a girls' school where she lives. The school turns out to be full of females who ache for a man inside their lions.

As he is nursed back to health, Clint acts like a man-whore -- in other words, a man -- by encouraging every female possible, including the 40ish schoolmarm whose previous sexual experience was with her brother.

"Why should I have to deny myself after all I've been through?" he asks.

Non-denial is a monumentally bad game plan.

After Clint is caught in bed with the resident slut, the schoolmarm takes revenge by sawing off his leg. The amputation is is not shown onscreen, but the sawing noises are revolting.

Clint is pissed off to lose a leg for no good reason, so he really makes the ladies angry. They feed him poison mushrooms and in the final scene sew a bag around his dead body.

WTF?

Despite some imagery comparing Clint's character to a Christ figure, there is not a good person in the movie. The only exception may be a slave woman who tells Clint he must kill her before he screws her. Clint is weak, both physically and in self-control, from beginning to end. He's no Christ.

Andrew surmises the message of the film is this: The human race is no good.

"It captures so well the horribleness of people," he says.

It is an overtly sexual movie, so Clint should have a commentary on masculinity somewhere in there.

Maybe it's this: A real man should not count on the goodness in anyone, including himself. Maybe not, but that's the best we can do here.

Next up: "Play Misty for Me."

"Two Mules for Sister Sara" and the unexpected appearance of a heart of gold

2010-06-10T05:02:00.001-07:00

Title: Two Mules for Sister Sara
Released: 1970
Genre: Western with a woman
Notable for: Clint gets hot for Shirley MacLaine
Coolest thing Clint does: Orders woman to light afire an arrow stuck in his shoulder and run it through to cauterize the wound

Pairing Clint Eastwood with Shirley MacLaine in an "African Queen" with saddles is an idea that should never have worked. First off, MacLaine had a reputation as a headstrong and temperamental actress, the sort with whom Clint supposedly hates to work. On screen and off, they do not seem a likely couple.

That's the magic of movies. Sometimes things work that shouldn't. This film combines action, humor and lust (romance is not quite the right word) in a way tailor-made for Clint.

"Two Mules for Sister Sara" takes Clint's Western tough-guy character, complete with cigars, and experiments by giving him something close to a heart of gold.

Clint grunts, squints and kills dozens of people on the range, as usual. He is, as usual, motivated by money, this time as a mercenary in Mexico looking to profit from freedom-fighters resisting French occupation. As usual, he has a mysterious past. The only thing revealed about his background is Clint fought in the U.S. Civil War and considered himself a sucker for it. His life's goal is to set up a big gambling saloon in San Francisco.

So much usual stuff provides a nice comfort level to Clint's usual fans, like us. We don't know much about Mexico's fight against the French, but we can tell good guys from bad.

The story starts with Clint, a lone rider on the Mexican range, encountering three scumbags preparing to rape MacLaine. Clint kills the scumbags, then discovers MacLaine is a nun. It ruins his plans for the night.

MacLaine joins up with Clint because they share a mutual interest in toppling a French garrison. MacLaine is sympathetic to the Mexican cause and Clint is working with the Mexicans to capture a safe from the French.

"If they pay me off in tortillas, I am going to shoot them right in the eye," Clint says, explaining the depth of his commitment to Mexican freedom.

Action and adventures follow in rapid-fire style as Clint and Shirley travel toward the garrison. The nun is surprisingly handy to have around on the range. They pull a dead man from his grave, cut off the head of a rattlesnake, are attacked by Indians, blow up a railroad bridge and eventually have a huge battle at the French garrison.

MacLaine talks like a nun but obviously is not what she seems. She sneaks off to smoke cigars, shows fondness for booze, and says "ass" and "god dammit."

It's sort of a buddy movie with rising horniness. Between action scenes, Clint asks MacLaine about her sexual desires, which she claims to suppress with prayer. Shirley asks him if he wants a woman and children, and he claims he does not. Along the way he admits he would like to give her a good poking except she is a nun.

Conveniently for Clint's sexual desires, MacLaine turns out to be a whore disguised as a nun. Isn't it great when that happens?

After he secures the French safe, Clint jumps MacLaine in a bathtub. In the final scene, they ride off together, presumably headed for San Francisco.

The factor that separates "Two Mules for Sister Sara" from all previous Eastwood Westerns is Clint's tough character is undeniably a good guy. It works.

A real man can have a heart of gold, and even be won over by a woman, as long as he is not a wimp about it.

Next up: "The Beguiled."

"Kelly's Heroes" and the blurring of greed, duty and simple-minded anti-war statements

2010-06-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

Title: Kelly's Heroes
Released: 1970
Genre: Anti-war war movie
Notable for: Ensemble cast overshadows Clint
Coolest thing Clint does: Gets a Nazi colonel blind drunk as an interrogation technique

"Kelly's Heroes" is without doubt the leading Clint Eastwood movie of all time for featuring 1970s TV stars. This led to frequent annoying interruptions in our viewing pleasure.

"Hey! Do you know who that is?" Brad asked excitedly. "No," Andy answered. Why, that's Archie Bunker! That's Kojak! That's Don Rickles, you hockey puck. That's the captain of the Love Boat. Even Donald Sutherland -- Jack Bauer's daddy, as Brad explained -- deserved honorable mention as the original Hawkeye Pierce from "MASH."

Clint received top billing, but it was not his movie. It's not even his style of movie, despite the pleasure of frequent action scenes.

"Kelly's Heroes," set in World War II, is one of those anti-war movies like "MASH" and "Catch-22" often described as offbeat. What makes them offbeat is comedy originally meant to highlight the absurdity of war and, we suppose, condemn the Vietnam War.

Message aside, the creators of "Kelly's Heroes" also attempted to deliver a good dose of mainstream appeal with frequent battle scenes and a leading man, Clint, who played it straight.

We like battle scenes. We like large explosions. We like this movie. It is entertaining, despite one significant problem.

The story revolves around Clint's discovery that $16 million in German gold is kept in a bank behind German lines in France. He organizes a caper to break through and steal the gold.

Recruiting volunteers is easy because almost every soldier is swayed more by personal greed than stamping out Nazis. His particular band of brothers has fought hard since D-Day and feels mistreated by the Army brass, which is portrayed as unrelentingly incompetent and foolish.

Moral underpinnings of the gold caper (and the movie) are established early on when the soldiers declare they might die any day, so they might as well risk death to get something for themselves.

Between battle scenes, the movie is a comedy, but without Clint's participation. He is his usual, tight-lipped self. If he had a single joke, we missed it. This makes Clint seem out of sync with his own movie. Sutherland steals the show with a his portrayal of an eccentric tank commander who is, inexplicably, a hippie.

Clint's boys eventually get their gold, of course, leaving piles of dead Germans in their wake. Even the incompetent commanding officers notice all the fighting, and a blustery general rushes to the front lines to give medals to the thieves.

The plot has several holes -- for example, how do front-line soldiers expect to carry or conceal 14,000 gold bars for the duration of a war? -- but that's OK.

Here's the biggest problem: World War II was not Vietnam. We all know that now, even if it confused movie makers in 1970.

Near the end of the film, one lone but unbeatable German tank stands between Clint's guys and the gold. Don Rickles saves the day by suggesting the German tank commander should be bribed to stop fighting and join the heist.

"We're all soldiers," Telly Savalas tells the German. "We don't even know what this war is all about."

That's just idiotic. Almost a whole generation of Americans risked their lives fighting World War II and they knew what it was about. To have Rickles, a Jew playing a character who appears Jewish, suggest going into business with a Nazi soldier is worse than simple-minded.

Clint's message in this movie is that a real man looks out for himself instead of being a tool of others in power. That's fine, except a real man should also know that once in a while the people in power are not wrong.

Next up: "Two Mules for Sister Sara."

"Paint Your Wagon" and the pitfalls of respectability

2010-05-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Title: Paint Your Wagon
Released: 1969
Genre: Indescribable musical mish-mash
Notable for: Clint sings (too often)
Clint's subliminal message: "Surprise! No one expected this."

Breaking tradition, Andrew invited two 16-year-old friends, Cole and Preston, to participate in The Clint Eastwood Project for additional male perspective.

"But," Brad said shamefully, "we're watching 'Paint Your Wagon.'"

"God, no!" Andrew moaned. "Cole has never seen any Clint Eastwood movie. He'll think we have vaginas."

Rarely is any film so universally ridiculed as this bloated musical.

Clint sings and plays kind of a weenie. The story is idiotic. The singing is worse than second-rate. The film is quasi-legendary as a big-budget flop plagued by troubled production. The project was such a disaster the director, Tony-winner Joshua Logan, never directed another movie.

"Uhhhgg," we groaned every time a new song started. "What kind of movie is this?" Preston asked.

It is a movie that goes on far too long at 2 hours and 44 minutes. It has too many songs with no value. Lee Marvin's singing is so horrible Clint sounds OK by comparison.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the final credits. Against all odds, it held our attention.

Clint and Lee Marvin are partners in a vice-filled gold-rush town. They share a woman who is "married" to both of them and sleeps with them on alternate nights. Between that nonsense, songs appear for no reason. Clint sings four songs, most disgracefully an insipid ditty called "I Talk to the Trees."

But the movie improved toward the end, which was an admittedly long wait. It had fewer songs and more of a humorous male-pig spirit. It is impossible to dislike a scene where a town meeting ends with a rollicking cry of, "All in favor of bringing prostitution to town say aye!" Plus Cole surprised us with a real talent for anticipating song lyrics and lip-syncing with a Broadway flair.

To the extent this film has a message, it says respectability is overrated. The few respectable characters, like a preacher and an upright farmer, are buffoons. Everyone who drinks, gambles, whores around and shares a wife is likable.

Respectability is the only explanation for why Clint signed up for a movie like this. It was the second of three big Hollywood productions he made in a row, which seems like a play for mainstream respect.

Clint himself later said making "Paint Your Wagon" was so disturbing the experience convinced him he wanted to direct movies so he could call the shots.

A real man prefers to do things as he sees fit, and that's respectable enough.

Next up: "Kelly's Heroes."

"Where Eagles Dare" and the difference between an ass and a bad-ass

2010-05-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Title: Where Eagles Dare
Released: 1969
Genre: World War II action-adventure
Notable for: Pairing Clint with Richard Burton
Clint's subliminal message: "Me like explosions."

Clint Eastwood must have felt like he finally made it big when he was cast in "Where Eagles Dare." Everything about the film is big in a Hollywood way. That's good and bad.

First and foremost, this is a big-budget World War II story that features Clint in a secondary role behind Richard Burton. No one at the time knew Burton's career was about to start a steep decline, so he was still regarded as one of the leading actors of his generation. Clint has a backup role with the primary dramatic function of killing Nazis by the dozen. The movie is chock full of expensive looking stunts and what we suppose are primitive special effects. It is shot on location and has lots of mountain scenery.

Now for the bad: The movie is too long, the plot twists are meant to be impressively intricate but often get in the way of the action, and parts of the story are damn silly.

The film centers around an allied spy team sent to infiltrate a Nazi mountain stronghold accessible only by cable car. Their mission is to rescue a captured American general. It's a British operation but for reasons not explained until the end (and not explained very convincingly then) Clint tags along as the lone American.

Viewers do not need much time to figure out there is a hidden story. The captured American general turns out to be a phony. The entire mission is really an elaborate ruse to flush out German double-agents within the British spy network.

Weak points are easy to spot. For one, the Brits would find simpler ways to root out German spies. For another, Burton looks too old and booze-bloated to do half the things he does. A third point that particularly irritated us: Everyone on the mission was chosen because they speak fluent German — but no one ever speaks German. Not even the Germans speak German. They speak English with German accents. It's like "Hogan's Heroes."

So what? It's still a good movie. It's worth watching for the explosions and body count alone.

Burton and Eastwood must have parachuted into Bavaria with about 4,000 pounds of dynamite because they blow up everything in sight. It is extremely impressive and totally impossible. Clint single-handedly kills so many Nazis he ends up looking like a comic-book commando. Which is fine by us.

Nazi-killing was a hallowed Hollywood tradition by 1968, so Clint could get away with it. But someone ought to note critics hated his spaghetti westerns for being too violent but he killed far more people here in a mainstream Hollywood hit.

Published biographies say Clint learned an important lesson from "Where Eagles Dare."

Burton allegedly gave Clint a good idea of how he never wanted to behave as a movie star. Burton and Eastwood reportedly got along OK but Clint was appalled by Burton's drinking binges, his entourage (including Elizabeth Taylor, whom we hope Clint bedded) and other annoying trappings of a big ego. We get the impression Clint thought Burton acted like an asshole.

A real man does not have to be an asshole to be a bad-ass. Clint knows that, onscreen and off.

Next up: "Paint Your Wagon."

"Coogan's Bluff" and the value of audacious action

2010-05-08T02:33:00.000-07:00

Title: Coogan's Bluff
Released: 1968
Genre: Country cop in the big city
Notable for: Clint's first starring role in a modern, urban setting
Clint's subliminal message: "Every lady wants to bop me."

Eastwood's first cop movie was so riveting Andrew fell asleep during "Coogan's Bluff." Twice.

Brad shook him awake and called him vile names, but his heart was not in the abuse. This week Andrew is revered as The Great Raccoon Banisher.

The Raccoon Scare of 2010 happened on April 30, when Brad was out of town for a weekend of drink, depravity and leering at cleavage at the Kentucky Derby. When he arrived home on May 2, his wife explained the trauma endured in his absence.

A raccoon strolled down the chimney and promptly delivered three offspring. Thus a new generation arrived to continue the raccoon tradition of eating garbage and spreading rabies. The women of the house screamed and swooned.

Andrew did the stupidest thing ever. He went to the garage and grabbed the leaf blower. The leaf blower?

He turned on the machine and blew air and noise up the chimney. It was so stupid it worked. The mother raccoon ran out and the babies were removed by hand.

This display of cunning saved $300, which is what pest-removal guys charge around here. Three hundred goddam dollars buys a kid the right to nap during a movie.

"Coogan's Bluff" seems a little bit like a made-for-television movie from the late 1960s. And for good reason. That's exactly how the project started. Someone decided the story would make a good feature film for Clint Eastwood, so they tossed some sex and a few naked breasts into the script.

Clint plays a cop from Arizona sent to New York City to bring back a fugitive. He does a good job in the role and the movie is not exactly bad. But the basic plot is entirely predictable from the moment Clint lands in New York. We know the New York cops will assume he's an idiot from the sticks. We also know Clint will eventually show up those city slickers and maybe win their grudging respect. We know Clint will encounter difficulties with the fugitive but eventually get his man.

Two flaws do not stand up well over time.

First, the bad guys are ridiculous hippie street thugs of a sort that almost certainly never existed. This leads to plenty of supposedly humorous situations where the country cop from Arizona comes face-to-face with 1960s counterculture as imagined (in a comic-book sort of way) by Hollywood guys well past 30. It's dated, dumb and not funny now.

Second, everywhere Clint goes women want to hump him even though he lies to them and pushes them around. If that seemed feasible in 1968, it does not in 2010.

There are a couple good action sequences and the movie foreshadows "Dirty Harry" in the way Clint catches the bad guy. He takes audacious action -- lying, stealing information, roughing up a woman -- that is beyond the New York cops and their wimpy rules.

That is the lesson of manhood here: If you want to get the job done, don't be afraid to try bold action.

Be bold. Grab life by the leaf blower.

Next up: "Where Eagles Dare."

"Hang 'Em High" and the lesson about revenge

2010-04-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

Title: Hang 'Em High
Released: 1968
Genre: Spaghetti Western Lite
Notable for: Clint's first starring role in U.S.
Clint's subliminal message: There's never a bad time to grab a whore

As proud Americans we are pained to say it but it is true: Clint’s triumphant return to Hollywood was weak compared to his time as an Italian sensation.

“Hang ‘Em High,” the first American film starring Eastwood, is a Western that is Spaghetti Lite. It’s not horrible, by any means. It has impressive casting with early roles by guys like Dennis Hopper and Bruce Dern. But, unlike a real spaghetti Western, the only humor thrown in is by bit players whose characters are about to be hung. And we get the impression this movie tries to say something important and we don’t understand what it is.

“That’s the worst ending ever,” Andrew said. “The story is not finished."

No one with a trace of testosterone in his bloodstream ever said any Clint Eastwood movie made by Sergio Leone had a bad ending.

“Hang ‘Em High” starts when a freelance posse mistakes Clint, a former lawman, for a killer and hangs him from a tree.

Clint’s tormentors are incompetent vigilantes. He survives the hanging with just a rope-burn scar on his neck. A roving lawman cuts him down and takes him to jail to sort things out.

When cleared of wrong-doing, Clint is deputized to work for a hanging judge. He takes the job only because it allows him to enjoy revenge by legally hunting down the men who hung him.

All indications suggest the audience is supposed to ponder the nature justice. We did not want to ponder.

Clint, for the first time but definitely not the last, plays a man motivated by revenge. He meets and eventually seduces a beautiful blond woman storekeeper who craves revenge.

This is fine and dandy until, somewhere along the way, things go slightly incomprehensible.

Clint begins to resent his judge boss for handing out the death penalty like candy on Halloween.

When two teenage brothers are hung against Clint’s recommendation, he is so upset he, um, grabs a whore and gets laid while everybody else in town watches the hanging.

Screwing to cope with injustice may have seemed edgy in 1968, but it is a little creepy now.

Clint's most studly line comes after Bruce Dern says, "You'll never get me alive, boy." Clint answers, "Then I'll get you dead. Boy."

Over time, Clint comes to despise the judge. He even complains about "that hole you call a jail” and insists on a pardon for one of the guys who tried to hang him.

At the end, Clint quits his job as a lawman. Then he takes it back. Then he looks uncomfortable about tracking down the last two guys on his revenge list. Clint seems to lose his thirst for vengeance, but we are not sure why. Is it because he is screwing a storekeeper now instead of a whore? And what about the blond storekeeper? Maybe Clint gives her up to wear the badge but we don't know because it is not explained.

Is there a lesson for manhood? Maybe.

Revenge is good up to a point, Clint’s example says, but don’t get carried away.

Either that or he’s telling us a man never has a bad time to grab a whore.

Let’s go with the thing about revenge.

Next up: "Coogan's Bluff."

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" and the power of shutting up

2010-04-24T03:36:00.000-07:00

Title: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Released: 1966
Genre: Leone with a budget
Notable for: The best damn theme music ever
Clint's subliminal message: "Hey, I've got a social conscience."

Andy proposed doing something bold and audacious to honor "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," so we went to KFC and got a couple of those new Double Downs to eat while watching.

Intelligent commentators say the Double Down represents everything that is wrong with the United States of America. It is a greasy slab comprised of two pieces of boneless chicken with bacon, cheese and sauce in the middle. Even many Americans consider the concept repulsive.

Luckily, we are not intelligent.

We pushed the "play" button and waited for that unforgettable theme music. Then we took bites. A person can do anything -- clip his fingernails or vacuum a rug -- and feel bold and audacious if that music plays in the background.

"The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," is the last and most lucrative of Clint's three spaghetti Westerns directed by Sergio Leone. Despite top billing, Clint is overshadowed by Eli "The Ugly" Wallach. Wallach had more lines, more scenes and his character stole the show. Clint fared better than poor Lee "The Bad" Van Cleef, who is mostly invisible.

Clint is "The Good," but this description is a head-scratcher. Early in the film he marches Wallach, his uneasy partner con-man crime, into the desert and leaves him to die. This unnecessary and unexplained cruelty far exceeds anything bad he did the first two Leone films. So he does not seem particularly good.

The basic story is a gem. The three main characters are in pursuit of a fortune in buried gold. They endure various extreme hardships to find it. None of them is trustworthy but necessity forces them to form shifting alliances. At the end, they have a classic three-way showdown in a cemetery.

One minor complaint: Clint's so-called Man with No Name once again has a name and this time it is stupid. He is "Blondie." One character describes him as blond. Maybe in Italy Clint qualifies as blond, but not in the land of Double Downs.

One major complaint: Leone was finally given a budget and he used it to bloat the film.

Just as it reaches its climax, an excellent story is sidetracked by about a half hour of Civil War bullshit. Viewers at the time would judge from the trailer that this is a Civil War movie, which it most definitely is not. By the way, if you click the preceding link to the trailer, you may notice it confuses which character is "The Bad" and which is "The Ugly." It was a very poor model of accurate promotional material.

Civil War stuff is thrown in, by all appearances, so Leone can use his big budget to film a battle scene, blow up a bridge and let Clint fire a few cannon shots. Clint also mumbles something about the waste of war. The effort to give him and the film a social conscience is clumsy and unconvincing.

But what the hell? It's still a great film.

Clint's quiet loner character is taken to an extreme in this film. He never seems to string more than two sentences together. His version of a monologue is, "I have a feeling it's going to be a good, long battle." Usually his lines are more like "We better wait for nightfall" or "Yeah."

Critics took this as a sign Clint cannot act, but he was onto something big.

The big thing about silence was nicely laid out in the best line of the film, which was delivered by Wallach. A revenge-seaking lowlife sneaks up while Wallach takes a bath, pulls a gun and starts explaining intentions. Then Wallach shoots him dead with a pistol hidden beneath soap bubbles in the tub.

"When you have to shoot, shoot," Wallach says to the dead man. "Don't talk."

Real men don't confuse talk for action, and Clint knew it all along.

Next up: "Hang 'Em High."

"The Witches" and the alarming rise of the anti-Clint

2010-04-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

Title: The Witches (better known as "Le Streghe")
Released: 1965
Genre: Art house bullshit
Notable for: Being almost unknown by Eastwood fans, or anyone else, for that matter
Clint's subliminal message: "Cowboy? I am an act-tor!"

Why Clint agreed to make this movie is a mystery. It is a blessing to both him and the world at large that almost no one has seen it.

Eastwood fans who manage to track down "The Witches" will be alarmed and despondent to see images of Clint picking nose hairs, smiling stupidly, snoring, losing interest in sex, swishing and spitting and generally being a boring, buttoned-down American husband who cannot satisfy a hot-blooded Italian wife. Plus, we almost see his pecker.

Shudders. No other Clint Eastwood film is dominated by such dark and powerful forces of the anti-Clint.

"The Witches" was made between the second and third of the spaghetti Westerns that launched Clint into movie stardom but, due to legal issues, neither of those first films were yet released in the United States. Clint was famous only in Europe as the grimacing, deadly cowboy.

Italian producer Dino De Laurentiis sought out Clint for "Le Streghe," a showcase movie for actress Silvana Mangano, the producer's wife. The film has five separate stories shot by five directors, and Mangano stars in all five stories.

Clint's segment, which lasts 19 minutes, is last. Our review of the first four parts is: 1.) boring and too long; 2.) dumb but short; 3.) a weird farce that at least holds attention; and 4.) sorry, lost interest.

"It is so desperately trying to be artistic, and it's stupid," Andy said.

Clint plays a guy enmeshed in domestic futility while living in Rome. He complains his life is "family to the office, office to the family, back and forth." He falls asleep on his wife when she wants to screw.

The story alternates between boring reality and Mangano's fantasies. The climax comes when she imagines herself stripping (unfortunately, no nudity is shown) in front of thousands of cheering men as Clint kills himself. Then she snaps back to reality, moans "I love you!" to the sleeping Clint, and the film ends. Yeah, right.

De Laurentiis clearly thought it amusing to cast Clint in a light-comedy role opposite of his image. To drive home the point, a figure of Clint wears a cowboy hat and shoots pistols during the opening credits. In one scene, Clint and Mangano talk about going out to a movie and he reads a listing of films playing in Rome. Near the middle of the list, he says, "Fistful of Dollars, western."

Like we said, it is a mystery why Clint agreed to do it. He looks uncomfortable in his role, which is the right reaction.

Legend says Clint was swayed by the offer of a Ferrari car as part of his pay. He probably also succumbed to that egotistical actor's thing about not wanting to be type-cast. Good thing he got over that.

Can we draw masculinity lessons from the anti-Clint? Yes. The lesson: A man is not afraid to take chances by doing something unexpected, even when he should know better.

This film never went into general release in the United States and evidently it was never big in Italy, either. The movie is so rare an L.A. Times blogger reported it was once thought lost. Securing the English-dubbed version was one of the greatest logistical triumphs of The Clint Eastwood Project.

To capitalize on our triumph, we are seriously considering burning DVDs to sell on eBay. Who knows how much money we can make off Eastwood fans before Clint's lawyers notice and seek restraining orders to keep a lost film lost?

Settlement proposal to Eastwood legal team: We won't do it if you give us a Ferrari.

Next up: "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

"For a Few Dollars More" and the lesson about a fair fight for justice

2010-04-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

Title: For a Few Dollars More
Released: 1965
Genre: Spaghetti Western, part 2
Notable for: Cementing Clint's international stardom
Clint's subliminal message: "No sophomore jinx here."

Right from the start we reject the idea "For a Few Dollars More" is Clint's first sequel. It is not a sequel.

The movie poster said "The Man with No Name is Back," which is a lie on two fronts. Once again, Clint's character has a name. He's "Monco." He is identified by name early in the film. Second, even though Monco dresses and acts the same as Clint's character in "A Fistful of Dollars," Monco is a well-known "bounty killer." There was never a clue Clint had that profession in the first movie.

Most telling, the same actor who played the evil Ramon in the first movie, Gian Maria Volonte, is back as a different villain, the evil Indio. A sequel would have to make Indio out to be Ramon's twin brother seeking revenge on Clint, or something equally asinine.

But perhaps we are a tad too anal on this point.

"For A Few Dollars More" has the same director, Sergio Leone, and all the same general ingredients as "Fistful of Dollars" except for low expectations.

This second effort did not disappoint anyone but critics of the era, who were stupidly intent on failing to see Clint's character was more than selfish and murderous.

Casual viewers must be smarter than critics, because they saw Clint had more than homicide in his character.

Clint sets out after Indio and his gang of vicious misfits, who have huge rewards on their heads. He quickly encounters a second bounty killer played magnificently by Lee Van Cleef. Their first encounter is a great scene where each man calmly shoots the other man's hat, with Van Cleef besting Clint in firepower. They join up to pursue Indio in what seems a partnership destined to end in betrayal.

But it does not end in betrayal. It ends in a real sense of honor, and maybe even friendship.

Along the way, Clint figures out that Van Cleef has personal reasons to want revenge on Indio. Indio once raped Van Cleef's sister, who committed suicide by shooting herself in mid rape. Indio is such a creep he pines for the dead rape victim.

Indio gets the advantage on Van Cleef and is about to kill him near the end of the film. That's when Clint comes to the rescue. Instead of shooting Indio dead, Clint evens the playing field between Van Cleef and Indio, then sits down to watch their gunfight.

Naturally, Van Cleef kills the scumbag. He then tells Clint to keep all the bounty money.

Only then does the audience see this was not a movie about killing for money. It was a movie about finding justice, or at least just revenge.

The lesson from Clint's character was real men recognize justice and want it to have a fair fight. They also enjoy kick-ass theme music heavy on whistling.

Next up: "The Witches."

"A Fistful of Dollars" and Clint's lesson about a real man's love of money

2010-04-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

Title: A Fistful of Dollars
Released: 1964
Genre: The original Spaghetti Western
Notable for: The first real Clint Eastwood movie
Clint's subliminal message: "A star is born."

Now we are talking! Well, Clint does not say much. But we here in the Flory man lair are talking!

Forty-six years after "A Fistful of Dollars" was released, no one can convince us it is not still one of Clint Eastwood's very best films. Screw Oscars and Golden Globes, dude. This is the image people instantly associate with Clint's name -- the poncho, the stony silence, the squinty stares, the hail of bullets between puffs on a stubby cigar.

This breakthrough movie made Clint an international star and icon-in-waiting. Never again would he play small roles. He was officially larger than life.

Italian director Sergio Leone received all the credit at the time for inventing this different sort of western movie and very different sort of lead role. Everyone assumed Clint was a stupid slob from a TV show.

Now we know better. Clint himself pushed to underplay The Man With No Name (never mind that one character repeatedly calls him "Joe") to such a classic extreme. Many elements of his characterization -- the quiet loner, the rejection of traditional "good guy" image, the capability of deadly violence, the personal code of justice -- became standard Clint Eastwood stuff.

At the start of the film, Clint rides into a god-forsaken Mexican town and discovers it is controlled by two rival gangs of lowlife cutthroats. Sensing an opportunity, Clint guns down enough assholes to establish credentials as the fastest pistol man around. Then he plays one gang against the other and tricks each into paying him a lot of money. Everything goes well until Clint decides to free a woman held as a sex slave by one gang leader, a sociopath named Ramon. Ramon's cackling goons beat Clint to within an inch of his life, but Clint escapes and gets his revenge in the final scene.

It is difficult today to grasp how much loathing this movie created among snobs and wanna-be intellectuals. They called the film coarse and violent and said it appealed to lower instincts of the audience. They said Clint played a money-hungry killer with no sense of justice and no interest in anyone but himself.

Snobs can be amazingly stupid.

Clint's character did fine tricking the town's bosses out of money but he was nearly killed because he freed Ramon's woman for no selfish reason. He has a moral code, all right. But it is his own code instead of the usual crap required of movie heroes.

As she escaped, the woman spoke for the audience by asking Clint why he did it. "Why?" Clint answered in just about his longest speech of the movie. "Because I knew someone like you once and there was no one there to help." Mysterious, yes, but it was good enough for her and for us.

In other words, the snobs were so dumb they missed the very first and most fundamental lesson of The Clint Eastwood Guide to Being a Real Man.

Lesson One: Trying to get rich is a fine idea, but some things are always more important than money to a real man.

Thanks, Clint.

Next up: "For a Few Dollars More."

"Ambush at Cimarron Pass" and the masculine pleasure of an absurd completist task

2010-03-27T04:41:00.000-07:00

Title: Ambush at Cimarron Pass
Released: 1958
Genre: Senseless Western
Notable for: Eastwood's self-described career low
Clint's subliminal message: "Watch! My character can grow!"

Never before in the history of human experience have two people been more thrilled to watch a movie famous only for being bad.

Clint Eastwood himself called "Ambush at Cimarron Pass" the worst western ever made. He told one interviewer it was a low point of his life. Not his acting career, his life. Click here to watch 1974 video in which Clint calls it "almost the picture that made me quit."

Who the hell cares? We almost danced as we sat down with spicy Italian sandwiches to watch.

Excitement springs from the fact "Ambush at Cimarron Pass" is the last of 11 films, mostly steaming turds, that featured glimpses of Eastwood before he had fame or following. Six months after this movie, he landed his TV role on "Rawhide" and became comfortably established.

In other words, from now on we can watch real Clint Eastwood movies. Yee-ha!

The Clint Eastwood Project has been accurately described as an absurd completist task. The most absurd part was bothering to include these first 11 films. Yet we are now glad we did, for two reasons.

Reason one: Enduring these films makes a viewer appreciate how tough, humiliating and frustrating it was for Eastwood (aside from screwing starlets) to establish his career. His was a working man's struggle (again, except for coitus with starlets) and we suspect it helped to shape Clint's iconic appeal to regular guys.

Reason two: It is very masculine to set out to do something stupid and then do it. A man finishes what he starts, no matter how absurd. It feels good.

Perhaps the tingly feeling clouded our judgment but it seemed like Clint exaggerates the wretchedness of "Ambush at Cimarron Pass."

Make no mistake, it's bad. The acting is sometimes laughable. The plot often makes no sense. Indians are portrayed as stereotypical savages. Half the characters, including Clint, are former Confederate soldiers but no one has a southern accent. Everyone in the film sounds like they come from Dayton, Ohio, except for the lone female character. Her main dramatic function is a continual display of cleavage, and she speaks with perhaps the worst Mexican accent ever recorded on film.

But it is not the worst Western ever made. It's not even the worst film Clint Eastwood ever made.

Clint, for the first time, had a central role in "Ambush at Cimarron Pass." He received third billing. He played a young hothead who fought for the Confederacy and remains bitter two years after the Civil War. He and a bunch of fellow ex-Confederates meet up with a patrol of Union soldiers and everyone joins forces to fight bloodthirsty Injuns.

For the first time in Clint's acting career, his character grows and develops. He plays a Mr. Williams from Macon, Ga., who at first says a lot of things like, "He's a liar! All Yankees are liars." Later he gets into a fistfight with the Yankee commander and, for probably the last time in his movie career, Clint is beaten in two punches. That's sad to see. But by the end of the movie Clint comes to recognize and respect the goodness in his former enemies.

He even delivers the last line in a nonsensical final scene meant to drive home the point this was not a story about fighting Indians. It was a story of a divided nation coming together.

"Sometimes you've got to lose before you finally win," Clint says.

Word, dude. Speaking as two males who get to watch "A Fistful of Dollars" next week, we agree.

Next up: Well, you know.

"Lafayette Escadrille" and how a boy really becomes a man

2010-03-20T03:46:00.000-07:00

Title: Lafayette Escadrille
Released: 1958
Genre: Flyboy adventure
Notable for: A legendary director's last film
Clint's subliminal message: "Thanks for giving my character a name."

Andy celebrated a milestone the day we watched "Lafayette Escadrille" by becoming a man. He was a little distracted.

Normal American society, at least here in bucolic southern Michigan, has no ambiguity about when a boy becomes a man. It has nothing to do with sex or self-awareness or maturity.

Boys become men when they are handed a license to drive. Obtaining the legal power to drive to any destination means obtaining the freedom of mobility that we Americans often confuse for a life of unlimited possibilities.

Andy turned 16 on March 18, 2010. He was in no eager mood to celebrate by watching Clint Eastwood in another ultra-minor role from the 1950s.

"I want to go out driving. By myself," he said.

Andy returned about 45 minutes later with a glow about him.

"How was your drive?" Brad asked.

"Like sex on cocaine."

It seemed obvious that a father should not allow a teenage son to fake expertise on the subjects of sex or drugs. But the phrase did capture a sense of euphoria.

"Don't ever say that again," Brad said by way of fatherly guidance, "in front of your mother."

No one would ever compare watching "Lafayette Escadrille" to stimulation of either a sexual or pharmacological nature.

We held high hopes for this film because it is a war movie made by a legendary director, William "Wild Bill" Wellman. Excitement, or at least action sequences, seemed likely.

Those foolish hopes were dashed.

The Lafayette Escadrille was a squadron of American combat fliers who served for France in World War I. Wellman was a member in real life. The squadron had a very high fatality rate, and early in the movie a narrator introduced viewers to characters by telling which ones would later die.

But instead of being a war movie, this is the story of a surly and selfish young man -- played without inspiration by Tab Hunter -- who falls in love with a French girl and finds himself.

Who cares? Hunter's character is unlikeable and his boring odyssey of self-discovery last almost the entire movie. There is no air combat until the last five minutes of the movie. And then the sequence was so muddled we were not sure if any Americans died.

"They made such a big deal at the start of the movie about all those guys dying in combat," Andy said. "And then ... nothing."

Clint received a credit for a change and his character even had a name, George Moseley. But he was still barely more than a walk-on. Moseley was a football star from Yale who had a rivalry with another flier who went to Princeton. His big scene was in a baseball game when Clint, the batter, took off after the Princeton guy, the pitcher, and threw the bat at him. That's pretty much all Clint brought to the table here. Play the video below if you must see this movie magic.

It seems inexplicable that Wellman could make a movie so bad. Evidently it was inexplicable to him, too. According to Wellman's bio on IMDb, he quit making movies after "Lafayette Escadrille" and was "reportedly enraged at Warner Bros.'s post-production tampering with a film that meant so much to him."

This, in short, is not even close to sex on cocaine.

Next up: "Ambush at Cimarron Pass."

"Escapade in Japan" and the gay guy in Clint's corner

2010-03-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

Title: Escapade in Japan
Released: 1957
Genre: Family fun mixed with travelogue
Notable for: Clint's last uncredited movie role
Clint's subliminal message: "Damn! I'm a walk-on again."

As we settled in to enjoy "Escapade in Japan" with a bounty of delicious laboratory-produced beef-like material from Arby's, the gay issue surrounding early Eastwoodism could no longer be ignored.

But first, let's ignore it long enough to evaluate this movie on its own merits. "Escapade in Japan" is the only film released in 1957 with even a brief appearance by Clint. Only a fool would have predicted he was nearing the brink of Hollywood stardom.

The movie is a mixture of Little Rascals-styled adventures and travelogue shot in Japan. We judge it good family fare.

Two boys, one American and one Japanese, run away together and stumble across many colorful sights. The American boy is 7-year-old Jon Provost, who would later melt a nation's dog-loving heart as Timmy on the "Lassie" TV show. The plot climaxes when two sets of parents separated by a language barrier but united in parental love find their sons. Anyone who needs a spoiler alert for that is beyond hope.

The child stars do not deliver strong acting but they make up for it by being cute. There is a good-natured spirit running through this film because, just 12 years after World War II, it is relentlessly intent on humanizing the Japanese.

Clint's role is entirely forgettable. He delivers two lines as the pilot of a rescue plane searching for survivors of a plane wreck that starts the American boy's adventures. After a fairly substantial role in his previous film, Clint once again has a part so minor he is not listed in the credits. That would never happen again. (Hooray! Because we are sick of it.)

OK, now the gay thing.

"Escapade in Japan" was the fourth and final movie of Clint's career directed by Arthur Lubin, a Hollywood workhorse many sources (here's one) say was gay.

Aside from Clint himself, Lubin is the man most responsible for establishing Eastwood in Hollywood. Lubin played a key role in getting Clint's contract with Universal studios. He cast him in four films through 1957, nearly half of Clint's movie work in those years. Clint's two biggest roles up to this point were both in Lubin films, "Francis in the Navy" and "The First Traveling Saleslady."

Andrew contends The Clint Eastwood Project should not mention that Clint's mentor was gay. He says it looks like we are insinuating a sexual relationship. "That's crap an you know it," he says.

So no, we are not insinuating a damn thing.

But Brad finds the Lubin connection ironic considering Clint was sometimes accused of gay-bashing in later roles.

More importantly, it is entirely reasonable to imagine that without Arthur Lubin , Clint may never have worked in movies long enough to catch a break.

When the world's icon for masculinity might not exist except for the support of a gay guy, that's worth mentioning.

Next up: "Lafayette Escadrille."

"The First Traveling Saleslady" and a low point for masculinity

2010-03-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

Title: The First Traveling Saleslady
Released: 1956
Genre: Musical comedy with damn little music and damn poor comedy
Notable for: Being the first movie to give Clint an actual character
Clint's subliminal message: "Shucks, I like girls."

Cruel fate dictated that mere days after winning a coveted Manly Blogger Guy Award we were forced to watch what must be the most unmanly movie ever to feature Clint Eastwood. Even in "Bridges of Madison County" he played an adventurous loner who liked to get laid. Searching for lessons of masculinity in "The First Traveling Saleslady" is like looking for an incandescent light bulb at Al Gore's place.

The movie itself is almost legendarily bad. Carol Channing, one of the stars, was quoted as calling it the picture that killed RKO studios. The movie poster pictured above even misspelled the title.

Supposedly this is a musical comedy but the entire movie has only one song, excluding the painfully insipid ditty that plays over the title sequence. The comedy is, to be generous, strained. The film is set in 1897 and the plot alternates between silly and remarkably silly. One example is the fact almost every male inexplicably falls in love with the star, Ginger Rogers, at first sight.

In a misguided effort to add social relevance, the film has running themes involving the struggle for women's equality and, oddly, the elevation of barbed wire as a savior of the common man. These themes merge at the end, when a gang of angry Texas townswomen breaks into a storage facility, liberates a huge supply of barbed wire and fences the town. The story is just that good.

Do you think we exaggerate the wretchedness? Check out the trailer by clicking here.

Still, this is a major step up for Clint's movie career. For the first time, he plays a character who actually advances the plot a little. He is named in the credits for the second time in a still-inglorious career. And he appears with three major stars -- Rogers, Channing and James Arness from "Gunsmoke."

His role, however, is highly unClintlike. He plays a lieutenant in the Rough Riders, which sounds manly enough, but his function is to serve as Channing's goo-goo eyed love interest. He has one bloodless and undramatic adventure rescuing Channing from bad guys. Other than that, all he does is smile and stare at her. That's right, he smiles. A lot. It seems a strange romance because Channing, whose character is something of a hussy, is nearly 10 years older than Clint in real life and his character played younger than his 26 years. He acts like a teenager who's hot for teacher. After Clint's first onscreen kiss, which is awkward, the viewer is left to assume Channing marries Clint and rides off into the sunset to teach him sex positions.

So, in summation, this movie stars two women and has women's rights as a theme. Clint smiles often and is overwhelmed by a chick. This is no way to celebrate a Manly Blogger Guy Award.

Next up: "Escapade in Japan."

"Away All Boats" and the lesson of grim determination

2010-02-27T04:08:00.000-08:00

Title: Away All Boats
Released: 1956
Genre: War at sea
Notable for: Eastwood's last appearance as a studio contract actor
Clint's subliminal message: "Go ahead and fire me because I will make you regret it."

The most amazing thing about the World War II epic "Away All Boats" is it should have been the end of Clint Eastwood's movie career. He should have left Hollywood as an unknown who almost made it in the movies. Then he should have gotten a job in a cement factory, or something of that sort, and spent the rest of his life bragging to people in the local tavern that he appeared in seven movies for a total of about four minutes.

"Hell, yes!" Clint would say at his usual stool at the end of the bar. "I worked with Rock Hudson, Donald O'Connor, John Agar, Richard Boone, George Nader, all the big names. Mamie Van Doren? I did her."

"Away All Boats" was the last film Clint made in 18 months as a low-paid contract actor for Universal Studios. Clint knew Universal did not intended to renew his contract.

His career clearly appeared headed nowhere in those first seven films for Universal. Only once did he play what might be called a character. The rest of the time he had insignificant roles easy to miss unless you watch closely for him.

One of his smallest roles was his last under contract with Universal.

"Away All Boats" is an entertaining but muddled World War II movie. It was billed as a true story but the Navy ship where it is set is fictional. But the really muddling part is the way the ship's captain is presented. For most of the movie, the captain is unreasonable, strange and unyielding. One outstanding moment of unintentional humor comes when the captain must be told the enemy killed "Chip Chee," a pet monkey he picked up to ease the loneliness of command. Then, at the end of the movie, the captain's strangeness is magically transformed into heroism. Whatever.

Clint plays an uncredited role as a medic. He is onscreen for five seconds to deliver one line: "Dr. Bell's waiting for him in surgery, sir."

After the movie was shot, but before it was released, Universal dumped Eastwood's contract effective Oct. 25, 1955.

Ninety-nine percent of us, in that circumstance, would give ourselves credit for trying. We would try not to feel humiliated but we would give up. Judging by film output alone, Eastwood's 18-month movie career was a failure. The studio lost interest in his talents and no evidence existed to suggest he had a future.

But Eastwood did not go looking for work at a cement plant. Trusting knowledge he gained and connections he made in those 18 months at Universal, Clint stuck around Hollywood and kept trying to scrape up roles. Three hard and discouraging years were ahead.

Grim determination is a defining trait of many of Eastwood's classic characters. His film message, over and over, is a real man does not give up when things go bad. He grits his teeth and kicks ass.

Give the dude credit. He gave a good example of how that can work in real life, too.

Next up: "The First Traveling Saleslady."

"Star in the Dust" and a taste of hope

2010-02-20T04:31:00.000-08:00

Title: Star in the Dust
Released: 1956
Genre: Farmers versus cowmen conflict
Notable for: Clint Eastwood's first Western
Clint's subliminal message: "I think I enjoy swaggering in a hat."

Six weeks into the Clint Eastwood Project it is discouraging to think we still have five more weeks before we can watch an actual Clint Eastwood film. Where's the shooting? Where are the angry stares? Where is the I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think attitude?

"This movie gives me hope," Andrew says. "At least it's a western."

Normally we would give "Star in the Dust" about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but our standards have been so damaged by exposure to crap like "Francis in the Navy" that we elevate "Star in the Dust" to an 8.

Clint's role is again insignificant and uncredited. Five minutes into the film, he meets the sheriff in the street, says good morning and then foreshadows the entire plot by discussing the betting odds on whether the day's hanging will go off as scheduled.

Many moments in the film are stupid and laughable. A janitor-turned-deputy is shot and clutches an invisible wound. The condemned killer in his jail cell has notes in his pockets from the town's leading citizen, who implicates himself in murder. An annoying troubadour wanders the town singing about the condemned man, Sam Hall. This musical distraction is based on a very old folk song, and Johnny Cash later recorded a livelier version of "Sam Hall" that you can hear by clicking here. For the life of us, we cannot figure out why the movie is called "Star in the Dust." The opening credits roll over the image of a star-shaped sheriff's badge on the ground. We expected the sheriff would quit at the end and throw his badge into the dirt, ala "High Noon." But nothing of the sort happens. Any viewer with a brain must wonder if somewhere along the line the filmmakers changed the ending but neglected to change the title.

But who cares? The movie has gunfights, treachery, a hanging and three outstanding fistfights. The best fight was between two women who bashed each other bloody!

For the first time in the Eastwood library, the filmmakers made some evident effort to explore the question of what it means to be a man. The sheriff is a quiet guy with an explosive temper who lives in his father's shadow. He stands up to warring factions in town by showing sympathy to neither. When his girlfriend seems to side with his enemies, he snarls at her and tells a deputy to take her away because, "I'm through with her." The killer turns out to be not completely evil because he shows a little honor at the end and takes his hanging like a man. He refuses a blindfold so he can view his last sunset. The real bad guy turns out to be a powerful banker and cattleman who emasculates himself by, among other things, tricking women to do his dirty work.

All that stuff sounds like a real Clint Eastwood movie. It's nice to have hope.

Next up: "Away All Boats."

"Never Say Goodbye" and the excellence of owning testicles

2010-02-13T03:47:00.000-08:00

Title: Never Say Goodbye
Released: 1956
Genre: Sappy pap suitable for a Harlequin romance
Notable for: A complete absence of masculine appeal
Clint's subliminal message: "I'm playing a lab assistant? Again?"

At the heart of the Clint Eastwood Project, now recognized for advanced scholarship by the Library of Congress and the Royal Society of Dudes (London), is a scientific desire to explore all facets of manliness.

And then we must watch "Never Say Goodbye." It's like dialling 911 and asking for paramedics to give us vaginas.

No gunshots. No fights. No monsters or villains. No conflict except the emotional struggle between a noble but wronged wife and a decent but jealous husband.

"It's just a soap opera," Andrew said 15 minutes into the film. He was absolutely right. A stupid, shitty soap opera with a plot divorced from real-world possibility. This sentence from the movie poster says all we care to explain about the plot: "Only in the arms of the man who had shamed her could she win back the love of the child he had stolen!"

Clint's part in his fifth movie appearance is another uncredited bit role. It comes just a few minutes into the film and gives him about 20 seconds of screen time. He's a lab assistant named Will who delivers two lines to the star, Rock Hudson. "Telephone, Dr. Parker," Clint says. And then a few seconds later, "Good luck with your speech, sir." That's it.

Only two interesting things happened in the 95 minutes and 40 seconds Clint was not onscreen.

The first interesting thing was when the leading lady looked at Hudson and exclaimed brightly: "Hamburg is the gayest city in Germany!"

Second on the list of interesting things was the casting of Shelley Fabares at age 11 or 12. She went on to play lots of roles over several decades, including the coach's wife on the TV show "Coach." Fabares also sang the sappy but evidently timeless 1962 hit "Johnny Angel."

Besides that, the movie was deadly dull. It may not be the worst of the first films of Clint's career, but it is the most boring for anyone in search of masculine excitement.

Some people enjoy movies built around feelings. Feelings like jealousy and regret. Those people are called women. (Although we hesitate to call this a chick flick out of fear of insulting the intelligence of every female alive in 1956.)

We, on the other hand, enjoy movies built around events. Events like murder, explosions and bloody acts of revenge and justice. For that we offer no apology. We say only this: Thank you, God, for the testicles. Those things are nice to own.

Next up: "Star in the Dust."

"Tarantula" and the crow-killing tension

2010-02-06T03:27:00.000-08:00

Title: Tarantula
Released: 1955
Genre: Giant-insect terror
Notable because: Clint never again appears in a science fiction film
Clint's subliminal message: "Here I come to save the day!"

Yet another uncredited bit role for Clint this time has the added indignity of almost completely obscuring his face for the few seconds he appears onscreen. But at least he played a hero for the first time in his meager career.

By all rights, this film should have had no chance to impress us. As we sat down with Hungry Howie's pizza and hit the "play" button, tension filled the room. To shorten a long story of guns and family control, Andrew made plans to hunt crows (or "sky rats" as he so elegantly calls them) with a friend over Brad's profane objection.

"Bullshit," Brad said. "You mean you want to murder crows. I am not letting you hunt anything we don't eat. And we are not going to eat crows."

Andrew rolled his eyes and explained his justification as if his father is mentally retarded. His friend, Andrew claims, traps fur-bearing animals (did I mention we live in the land political correctness forgot?) and uses crows for bait. He supposedly calls crows into shooting range like real hunting, as opposed to blasting them off dead raccoons at the side of the road.

Brad has no idea if this could be true if he is being played for a sucker. Either way, parental authority is slipping away forever.

To our great surprise, we liked "Tarantula" enough to forget about the crows. We liked it right up to the very end.

The plot revolves around a mad scientist who develops a nutrition formula that makes animals huge. Naturally, one of his huge animals is a tarantula spider, which, naturally, escapes and, naturally, terrorizes a small desert town.

The "science" part of the science fiction is sometimes so lame it is amusing. Once a character pointed at a beaker of liquid and said, "Say, is that an isotope?"

Special effects are predictably primitive. Close-up footage of a real tarantula is superimposed in the background of exterior scenes. This makes the relative size of the spider change from scene to scene. Sometimes he looks big as a house and sometimes big as a cruise ship.

A shotgun, machine guns (which we are to believe were part of the standard arsenal of sheriffs in rural Arizona during the 1950s) and dynamite all do no good to kill the spider. Click here for a video clip.

Faced with an insect too powerful to be killed by conventional weapons, the townsfolk call in the Air Force. This is where Clint finally comes into the picture. Sort of.

Playing the leader of an Air Force jet squadron, Clint's face is almost completely covered by an oxygen mask.

"Alright, men, fire two rockets on this first pass," he says.

The rockets blast into the spider and -- nothing. The tarantula does not flinch.

An astute viewer then assumes there must be some secret to kill the tarantula. Maybe a formula to reverse the giantism. Maybe he cannot stand cold, like The Blob. Who knows?

Then Clint and the boys make another pass and drop napalm. The spider burns and the closing credits roll.

"That's it?" Brad and Andrew said in unison. "Napalm does the trick?"

It was an unsatisfactory conclusion but at least Clint, as a representative of American military might, was the guy who saved the town.

He was more successful than Brad's effort to save the crows.

Next up: "Never Say Goodbye."

"Lady Godiva" and a working-class approach to fame

2010-01-30T02:44:00.000-08:00

Title: Lady Godiva of Coventry
Released: 1955
Genre: Technicolor epic with the illusion of nudity
Notable because: Clint is in Medieval England!
Clint's subliminal message: "Wait. Was I really in this picture?"

Lady Godiva is famous for riding naked (hubba, hubba m'lady) but we knew better than to expect much on that score. This movie was made in 1955, when even a glimpse of side boob was scandalous. Scandalous, we tell you.

Here is how Hollywood's image-makers beat the nudity problem. They built a body suit covered with a thatch hut of hair. This thoroughly concealed all the female bits of star Maureen O'Hara in a way that looked odd and vaguely repulsive. Good work, men!

Despite their disappointment, flesh-wise, Andrew and Brad both were surprised to enjoy "Lady Godiva" (called "Lady Godiva of Coventry" in the title sequence), even though Clint is nearly invisible.

It's a movie with deceit, betrayal, growth and redemption, all set in castles with occasional sword fights and crossbow attacks. Men fight for honor and say things like "the ancient boundaries of my earldom."

"Classic drama," Andrew said by way of praise.

For Clint, this was his first appearance in a top-of-the-bill picture meant to be taken seriously. It was his first color film, too.

But he was given an uncredited role with just two barely noticeable lines. One line -- "30 men from Ludlow" -- was spoken with only the back of Clint's head visible. For all we know, they might have filmed a coconut with a wig and dubbed his voice later.

This film was made when Clint was paid $75 a week to be a contract actor for Universal.

Figuring for inflation from 1955, that translates today to an annual salary of $31,219 a year. School teachers make more.

Clint came from a laboring family and took a low-paying, entry-level job at a movie studio. He stuck to scut work for four years, helping churn out whatever the studio assigned him. Only in 1959 did he make it big on the "Rawhide" TV show.

Four years may not sound very long, but it must have felt like an eternity for a guy hoping to break through in movies while getting "30 men from Ludlow" to show for it.

No wonder Clint was always a working man's actor.

Next up: "Tarantula."

"Francis in the Navy" and the absurdity of people who lived before us

2010-01-23T03:06:00.000-08:00

Title: Francis in the Navy
Released: 1955
Genre: Nonstop comedy with a talking mule
Notable because: The imagination is staggered by the concept that anyone ever found this funny
Clint's subliminal message: "Hey! My name is in the credits!"

The best thing about this movie is it gives the Flory family a Kevin Bacon-like degree of separation from Mr. Clint Eastwood.

Donald O'Connor is the human star of "Francis in the Navy" and Donald O'Connor gave a drunken and indifferent performance at the 1975 Chesaning (Michigan) Showboat. Look it up if you suspect we are bold enough to lie. At the risk of being name-droppers, Brad and Andrew both know Captain Bob Rhode of showboat fame. So we need two links to Clint. It's almost like we exchange Christmas cards.

Humiliating as it sounds to be upstaged by a mule, Clint was probably pleased with his career progression in this, his second film. He appeared in eight or 10 scenes, had several lines and was for the first time listed in the credits. His name came one notch below Jim Backus (aka Thurston Howell III) and one notch above David Janssen (aka The Fugitive).

Clint's acting is forgettable and not funny. He is "Jonesy," one of several Navy buddies who show up onscreen primarily to be confused about O'Connor's hi jinks. If you would like to see a Clint-free example of said hi jinks, click here. Clint says things like: "A little rest, Slicker, and you'll be your old self." Sadly, he has no dialog with the mule.

Poor Andrew watched with bemused disgust. O'Connor plays a double role which leads to 1 hour and 21 minutes of dumb and impossible situations of mistaken identity. The climax involves military maneuvers that make no logical sense. The story is punctuated by bad jokes from a mule, a cinematic hook that spawned seven movies.

"I imagine those dweebs in the 1950s sitting in the theater and laughing so hard," Andrew said. Then he used a mocking voice: "Oh my God! Francis is singing 'La Cucaracha.' Stop! My side is splitting!"

Forgive him. Andrew is 15 and still enjoys the certainty that his time is normal but earlier eras were absurd. One day he will look back and believe the past was better, not dumber. That will be the day he is no longer young.

"Do you think everyone in the 1950s was an idiot?" Brad asked.

"No, but I think they didn't know what was funny," Andrew said. Based on "Francis in the Navy," it is impossible to argue.

Next up: "Lady Godiva."

"Revenge of the Creature" and an artistic dispute at Subway

2010-01-16T03:41:00.000-08:00

Title: Revenge of the Creature
Released: 1955
Genre: Bad science fiction
Notable because: It's Clint Eastwood's first film appearance
Clint's subliminal message: "Check out my hair."

By-laws of The Clint Eastwood Project decree that every movie must be viewed while eating fast food in front of the TV. This led to the first artistic dispute.

Being easily swayed by advertising, Brad insisted on Subway for the new pastrami sandwich he's seen on TV. Being 15 and without economic power, Andrew had no choice.

"What do you want on that sub?" asked the guy working behind the counter.

"Make it just like they show it on TV," said Brad.

Hearing these words, Andrew became so horrified a casual observer might assume his father just released a rolling fart and simultaneously scratched his balls in public.

"Oh my God," Andrew said. "What a redneck." Then he changed his voice to supply a hillbilly accent. "Jes give me that-there sandwich I seen on the TV box."

"Do you want me to take you down right here in front of all these people?" Brad asked. "Because I'll do it."

"Try it, old man," Andrew said.

This is the tone of many of our debates.

Luckily, we found little reason to disagree on "Revenge of the Creature."

It is one of those 1950s horror movies with bad acting, a silly story line and a monster, Gill Man, that is more funny than scary. Gill Man did not even kill anyone until 53 minutes into the film.

Clint appears about 15 minutes into the movie, and only for a few seconds. The role is so small he is not listed in the credits. Clint supplies what passes for comic relief in this film.

Playing a laboratory assistant, Clint speculates that a cat has eaten a lab rat. Then he finds the rat in his own pocket! Isn't that a hoot?

Clint's hair is the most memorable part of his performance. Then 25 years old, he looks like a James Dean wannabe but his hair is piled into an impossible poof pushed to the side of his head.

"He looks like a Flock of Seagulls prototype," Andrew observed with insight beyond his years.

Watch Clint's entire breathtaking performance, in the "Mystery Science Theatre" treatment of the film, by clicking here.

As we settled into the flow of the film, our attention focused on whether the hot leading lady, Lori Nelson, would appear in a swimsuit.

We were not disappointed. We counted four swimsuit scenes, one glimpse of bra and panties, and one discrete shower scene. Once we thought we saw protruding nipples, but that may have been wishful thinking.

Next up: "Francis in the Navy."

Getting started with Clint, or good-bye $184.13

2010-01-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

Watching every Clint Eastwood movie is not as easy, or as cheap, as God intended.

What stings most is the certain knowledge that the most expensive movies in the Eastwood Film Library of Grunts and Spitting are also the worst ones.

At the start of his career, Clint was a Hollywood unknown who had bit parts in 11 obscure movies released from 1955 to 1958. These are forgotten films with titles like “Lafayette Escadrille.” Eastwood himself — according to the unimpeachable source Wikipedia — called one of them the worst western ever made.

Movies so bad and so forgotten usually cannot be rented. Even with the Internet, finding them all for purchase is difficult. Prices can be outrageously stiff because of rarity.

Two of these movies — bad science fiction, which evidently always has a market — were found on Netflix. The other nine cost $184.13, with shipping.

Andrew gasped when he saw the $47.82 price tag for the most expensive cinematic turd on our viewing list.

“Why?” he asked. “Why?”

Because The Clint Eastwood Project has no shortcuts. That’s why.